Let Your Heart BLEED….

“Let your heart-break. I promise it won’t kill you” Those were the words I heard when an ad for a TV show titled ‘Iyanla fix my life’ was playing on TV. It sounded like a nice saying but I feel it didn’t apply to me.

About 18 months ago, I met the man of my dreams (do I hear a congratulatory applause and excitement?) Thank you, thank you but hold it please. I met him through a good friend of mine. She had done her research and she was sure both of us could fit perfectly like pieces of a puzzle. Now, all my friends know I don’t do blind dates. Heck, I don’t even do dates with guys I havent had an intellectually stimulating conversation with at least twice (you can judge me later if that bothers you) but this time, my friend was beyond convinced this was the man for me and I got convinced too. She didn’t give me any info, I didn’t know his name or anything personal. All she told me was he’s much taller than you (yeah, height is a big issue for me) and he’s a lawyer (Oh yeah I’m also particular about not dating an idle man. I’d rather have him too busy than idle. Again, you can hammer on this later). Read the rest of my story.

Mr X called me on a sunday evening and we planned to go on a date. It was one of the best dates I ever had; we talked, we laughed and it was so obvious that there was chemistry. I’m an astute observer; what I can’t get from your lips, I will get from your body language or from the one part many people fail to observe- your eyes. From him, I got my observations from every part of him; his body language said from day one- I like you, his eyes said without any errors..”I  admire you and want to see you again” and from his lips, the words “you are so pretty/beautiful” were uttered more times than I can remember. I was on a high when I got home, My friend was right. Mr X was the man I dreamt of when I lay on my back at sixteen and threw a pillow behind my head so I could travel to daydream land.

We went on many amazing dates after that; there was never a dull moment- laughter, admiration and affection were all in the mix and I was on cloud nine. As most women, I started to picture a forever (you might yell MISTAKE, but believe me, when you get on the type of cloud I was, it will be hard not to imagine a forever). As the season changed from spring to summer, so did the dynamics of our rendezvous. Mr X became too busy with work to hang out (i could live with that) but I couldn’t live with the curt replies on the phone and the reluctant-ness that came with every phone conversation. It was time to get my head out of the clouds and smell the brewing coffee. Now, as emotional as I can be, I love to deal with facts. Questions arose in my head…. “Was Mr. X swamped with work and was under stress? Was Mr X dealing with a situation I didn’t understand? Was Mr X changing his mind about me? Did Mr X even like me from the start? All these questions were in my head when I typed an email demanding to know what was wrong, and I got the “I’m still in love with my ex response”. Talk about being dealt blows and kicks on your way to the ground. I did what was best, I let Mr X be.

Fast forward to almost a year later, Mr X and I had started speaking again and even gone on a few dates. Each date was the same as when we first met- filled with laughter, stories and just two people attracted to each other having an awesome time. However, this time, each date was accompanied by silence that lasted sometimes for a month, sometimes for two. By this time, I could tell Mr X was fighting a battle where I was concerned. ‘Should he go for the hearty black beauty (me; yeah I know I love myself) who was willing to argue with him but end it all with laughter?’ ‘Was she the girl he really wanted to be with?’ I speculate these were the questions Mr X battled with. I battled with them too ‘Was he falling for me again?’ ‘Am I what he wants, who he wants?’ I got my response after a few trial dates- Mr. X told me he did battle with his decision but he decided to go with someone (not his ex) that satisfies his psychological needs. I read the email, smiled and ignored the ache in my heart. You see, I had never admitted to anyone, not even myself that I had fallen in love with Mr X sometime during our awesome rendezvous. I kept my head high, went on a trip and acted like nothing was wrong. Truly, nothing was wrong until I saw Mr X again and all the feelings came flooding back.

At first, I told myself I could win him back but I was quickly reminded that I am the prize and chasing the hunter was never a good idea. I told myself his decision and everything that led to it didn’t hurt me- I mean I didn’t mind being taken to see what my dream relationship looked like and then pushed out of it like I didn’t buy the right tickets to see the show. I didn’t mind that I felt like I was auditioning for the leading role in a play and was told at the last minute that I wasn’t good enough for it. I didn’t cry, I didn’t flinch one bit. If anything, I made Mr X believe I was fine with his decision and simply moved on with my life, even occasionally exchanging emails as friends and nothing more. I played the ultimate deception with myself, Mr X and everyone until I heard those words “Let your heart break, I promise it won’t kill you”.

Now I know my heart is not broken; I don’t feel the ache that comes with broken-ness. What I do feel however is the pain that comes with bleeding. I looked into the mirror, smiled and said to myself “Let your heart bleed; I promise it won’t kill you.”

If you’ve been or are in the same shoes as me, you can smile and say the same. The tears that will follow will lighten your heart, I promise.