Confidence Is An Outfit….

….An outfit designed by self-esteem, an unshakable belief in oneself, yet with the lack of conceit. I guess this brief explanation shows why there is a lot of ‘pseudo-confidence’ in the world. Many people exude what I call pseudo-confidence because it is simply a charade of some sort, or if you will, a camouflage suit to hide what is truly crumbling underneath. It’s like having a beautiful house with a weak foundation underneath; any little wind or flood, and the house is in rubbles.

Many of us are eager to show we are confident; we are eager to exude a high self-esteem we do not possess, we are eager to act in ways we believe we should act to prove we possess something we do not- confidence. I have been very observant of recent, and have come to understand the many ways people, especially women (my main subjects of interest) hide their lack of confidence and put on the fake outfits designed by low self-esteem, conceit and an unnecessary desire to continually blow their own horn. There are signs of pseudo-confidence that I easily pick up when I meet a person for the first time and some of them are explained below:

• Comparism: Do you ever walk into a room, scan it quickly to ensure no one is better dressed than you are and then feel better about yourself once that fact has been established? That is a sign of lack of confidence! I have met ladies at conferences, dinners and seminars who cannot live with themselves if they are not the best dressed in the room. Of course they walk in wearing breathtaking outfits, and even smell like a basket of summer roses; however, that whole charade crumbles the moment they feel someone else has a better outfit. These kinds of people are unnecessarily competitive; they spend hours deciding on what to wear, not because they are indecisive (like I happen to be), but because they want to ensure they outshine everyone. Anything short of that, and they believe they haven’t succeeded in their quest for the day. This unnecessary urge to compare oneself with others leads to the next sign of pseudo-confidence I have observed.

• External Praise: Some people cannot feel 100% good until someone else raves about how beautiful they are. This is a consistent attitude with people who like to compare themselves with others in order to feel good. 50% of their quest is complete if no one in the room is better-dressed than they are, while the remaining 50% depends on compliments by others. Some people cannot stand not having compliments; they live off compliments. Without it, their confidence takes a knock, and you see them silently sitting in a corner checking messages that do not exist on their phones.

• ‘Off the roof-tops’ attitude: Just like people who need external praise to boost their confidence, some people cannot help but speak at the top of their voices literally and virtually! These are the people who possess the right combination of qualities in terms of beauty, great sense of style and even a great body, but need to constantly show off these things to gain compliments from others. They shout everything from the roof-tops. They are the ones who speak at the top of their voices in a group, know what everyone ought to be doing to get their lives right, and constantly want to be the centre of attention. They want to outshine other people and they make it known! These people will latch on to their achievements and will not hesitate to remind everyone of them. They want to show people they are living the life of everyone’s dream even when they are simply struggling to make ends meet. People with this attitude also tend to compare themselves with others, and are so into themselves, they’ve crossed the line between self-love and downright conceit.

True confidence doesn’t need to be shouted off the roof-tops, it does not compare with others and has no desire to outshine others. A confident person is confident irrespective of what he or she is wearing, irrespective of looks, and irrespective of the opinions of others. You need to ask yourself if you are truly confident in who you are, or if you are exuding pseudo-confidence. XOXO

Who’s the woman in the mirror?

I was never one to spend a lot of time in front of the mirror while growing up; it’s not because i was super confident that I’d like what i see as many people might assume. It was because i was scared I would find things I won’t like – huge pores, spots, pimples, uneven skin tone and so many other beauty mishaps that I felt were enough to make me curl into a ball and never step out the door again.

Self-esteem is one of the biggest issues plaguing society. As much as we don’t like to accept it, we are a generation filled with people who are battling low self-esteem and also battling to make sure no one can see our little secret. We spend money we don’t have on things we don’t need so we can get an ego boost when a neighbour pays us a compliment. We act like we are out to save the world so people can notice us and pay us compliments for our goodwill. Our generation is filled with men that are not ashamed to raise their hands against their wives in order to show them who’s boss! We have a new generation of men that try to make sure their wives don’t earn more than they do, don’t look too attractive and don’t have ‘too much’ freedom for fear that she might become rebellious. This post is about the ladies; I intend to address this elephant in the room with regards to men later on.

ladies, how do you see yourself?

There is no doubt that society has already rolled out the carpet for low self-esteem with definitions about the ‘right size’, the ‘right kinds of clothes’ the ‘right type of partner to have’ bla bla bla. If you are not stick skinny, you are not beautiful, so society has made us think. If you are not working that fancy top position by 27, you have failed in life. If you are not dating a wealthy man, whose source of income you don’t even know, you are not doing well for yourself and should hide behind a rock. Says who?

These days, we refuse to let our beauty radiate from within because we have sold ourselves cheap to material things that money can buy. We define ourselves by our clothes; ‘let me buy that Jimmy Choo handbag and beg for food for the rest of the month. at least, people will respect me when they see me with a jimmy Choo accessory’. we go out of our way to please other people because we want them to like us and respect us, because that is the only way we can feel good about ourselves. We endure abusive relationships, because like a fellow blogger once said to me “we accept the kind of love we think we deserve”.

The battle to hide our low self-esteem has become a competition amongst us ladies; we compete over every trivial thing there is on the surface of the earth. Well, here’s news for you! If it is something money can buy, it should not define you! Can anyone place a value on the depth of your heart? can you find it in stores or on shelves? can you purchase that innate feeling of confidence and happiness that doesn’t come from fancy clothes or shoes but comes from you knowing who you are in Christ?

You are a princess, and it has nothing to do with you being with Prince Charming! Rather, it has everything to do with the fact that your heavenly father is a king! No doubt, nice clothes and everything else make you feel good when you walk down the street but they are nothing but a cover-up for what’s most important- your heart.

If you are battling with your weight, do something about it. Jeez! If it makes you uncomfortable, don’t let it be the reason you become a recluse. You don’t need a membership fee to walk down the street or eat healthier foods. Change the way you look if it is causing you grief. Someone once said to me “if you don’t like where you are, change it! you are not a tree.”

If you are in an abusive relationship and you believe it is the love you deserve, need I remind you that you are the peak of God’s creation? Created from man’s rib to be his partner; not from his feet to be trampled on! (for more on this, check out https://ladydacreme.wordpress.com/2013/08/30/whats-in-a-woman/) Ladies, abusive relationships are not just the ones where women get hit. Emotional and psychological abuse are worst! You do not deserve a man who talks you down or reminds you everyday of how useless you are. Can anyone walk up to the Queen of England and say that? How come you, the daughter of the king of all the earth chooses to accept such treatment? You don’t deserve it even if you have a terrible past hanging over your head (i will address this in another post soon).

It is time to stop hiding behind fancy apparel and deal with the crux of the problem. Get off the abusive relationship wagon, don’t spend money you don’t have to impress other people. Once the money disappears, they will disappear too. Fall in love with yourself everyday. Look in the mirror and smile and how wonderfully God created you. Don’t settle for less! Don’t hunt the hunter, don’t become the foot mat for anyone. Raise your head; keep your heels and standards high 😉 believe you are beautiful and you will radiate it!