Relationships

Don’t Marry Me Because I’m Nigerian

I can’t count the number of times I’ve met Nigerian men overseas, and when the issue of relationships came up, they talked about how they’ve been emotionally battered and used by women of other nationalities, and are now ready to ‘settle’ for  a Nigerian wife.

The first time I heard it, I was flattered. “Aww! He wants to come back home. Nigerian girls are the best!” but as time went on, I started to wonder if flattery was the right response to such a statement? What makes up a Nigerian wife anyway?

A typical Nigerian wife is respectful; she lets her husband make most of the decisions, does not challenge his authority and always aims to please. She’s the submissive woman who will not move an inch if her husband decides she doesn’t need to earn her own money or study further…. Well that is the image of the typical Nigerian wife. I daresay my Nigerian sisters of the 21st century will march on in the direction of their dreams. I digress, back to the issue at hand.

Many men have lamented about the need for this ‘Nigerian wife’- the one who will show them the respect they believe they deserve and treat them like the kings they think they are. When they approach a woman, they expect that this statement should be adequate to win her over “I’ve been looking for a Nigerian wife, so I’m so glad I met you.” Are they meaning to say the only criterion on their list is she must be Nigerian? What about her personality, her dreams, her values, her moral code? Is it enough to accept a man who just wants me because I’m Nigerian and nothing more? Hell no!

I find that many men make that mistake overseas. They pick any available Nigerian girl as their partner simply because she’s Nigerian, and then begin to complain bitterly because her attitude does not automatically fit the image of the Nigerian wife. I’ve met Nigerian men who have been utterly disappointed by the fact that my dinner of choice is sometimes a chicken wrap instead of the good old eba and ila alasepo (Okra soup made with all kinds of meats and fish). I’ve met Nigerian men who just couldn’t wrap their minds around the fact that my weekend activity of choice is stretching on my sofa, reading a good book, or watching an old movie I’ve seen a thousand times, just because I don’t feel like doing anything and cannot be bothered. Weekend cooking? The Pizza and Chinese restaurants deliver! And of course there are those Nigerian men who get the shock of their lives when they visit hoping I’ve made a scrumptious dinner to impress them, only to find me dressed up, ready to go eat out with them. And even more interesting are those who get surprised when I visit them, and I don’t rush to help with the dishes or collect the broom when they are sweeping. LOL! Seriously, they exist! I’ve met them!

But I’m Nigerian, isn’t that what they were looking for?

Please, my Nigerian brothers, biko stop looking for a Nigerian wife, look for a woman who makes your heart dance and makes you feel young at heart when you’re with her. Nationality counts for nothing. That I was born in Nigeria does not mean I will become the typical Nigerian wife; and I honestly don’t want anyone to marry me because I am Nigerian. Date me because you love my personality because you understand my values and because you believe I can add value to your life as you add value to mine. My nationality should not be the deciding factor! That I’m Nigerian does not mean I will not challenge some of your decisions or try to make you see things from my own point of view. That I’m Nigerian does not mean you can tell me to sit quietly and I will listen. Those were the Nigerian women of ages past! The Nigerian women of today will laugh out loud, put on their heels and leave. Shikena! End of story.

So please, don’t come to me and tell me about how you’ve been looking for a Nigerian wife all this while. It would seem to me that you want my nationality more than my personality and that to me just does not make sense. If you cannot love me with zero expectations of what you think my nationality should have instilled in me, please leave me single. Don’t even bother trying to tell me those expectations. I cannot mould myself to meet the expectations of every Nigerian guy I meet.

I am very aware after reading this many more Nigerian men will run away from a rebellious girl like me. Issorai! I am who I am and I’m happy with myself. If you cannot love me for me, leave me. Don’t marry me because you expect me to be the ‘Nigerian wife’ you want.

XOXO

EDIT: By the way, No Nigerian girl should feel flattered by a man who has wasted the best part of his years chasing after undeserving women, only to decide he wants a Nigerian woman now that’s he old and tired!

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Nigerian Men And The Moral Paradox

ibrahim

It is no secret, Nigerian men are hot. Ok…that may be an exaggeration; there are some *clearing my throat* not so hot Nigerian men, but the general assumption where I live is that any man that is tall, dark, handsome, has swag, and has a funny accent must be Nigerian. Women throw themselves at their feet; I don’t know if that’s because of the supposedly large penis size compared to other nationalities like South Africa or if it’s because of the lavish ‘extravagant-ness’ with which Nigerian men spend money on ladies in a bid to impress them. Whatever the case may be, Nigerian men are preferred candidates for dating or marriage where I live. I suppose it will come across as weird now when I tell you that I find many Nigerian men to be hypocrites…probably the largest set of people in the world with hypocrisy encoded in their DNA.

I am a Nigerian lady- born and bred in Lagos for fifteen years before I moved to South Africa at the age of sixteen, and oh my! My eyes have seen so much about Nigerian men that I can’t help but wonder if being a Nigerian man is synonymous with having double standards. You see, Nigeria is a country with a somewhat conservative culture. There are gender roles that are expected to be fulfilled in relationships and there are certain expectations of Nigerian women as the culture dictates. For example, a typical married Nigerian woman is not expected to leave her husband at home with their teeny weeny babies, to go clubbing with her friends. It is unheard of for a Nigerian lady to be considered as a decent lady of ‘marriage-able’ standards if she has had sex with two or three men who know each other. If she sends her nude photos, she’s definitely a slut, if she sends a horny text, she’s not the kind of girl you want to marry…the list goes on.

So imagine my shock and utter amazement when I started to meet Nigerian men in South Africa and England, who condemn Nigerian women for going against these cultural ‘norms’ while they chase after foreign women who do worse. They go on about gender roles when they are with Nigerian women, but the moment a foreign woman steps into the picture, my poor Nigerian brothers are willing to rock the babies to sleep, cook dinner, clean the house and do the laundry, while their foreign trophy acquisition goes clubbing with her male friends 😮 believe me I am not making this up. I know of a South African lady who had sex with four Nigerian men (all friends), and yet when they spoke about her, their descriptions were offered with utmost admiration. She was the best they ever had, they wanted more, and to my surprise, one of them wanted to have an exclusive relationship with her. Fast forward to a couple of weeks later, a Nigerian lady who had only been in the country for a year had apparently ‘done the nasty’ with two Nigerian men she wasn’t aware knew each other, and oh the criticism flowed like an endless river. “She has no class!”, “I can never marry a girl like that, and I’ll ensure no guy I know looks her way”…. Oh? What’s good for the goose is no good for the gander?

Nigerian men! Nawa o! I’m yet to meet men of other nationalities who are so engrossed in the art of double standards. Why do Nigerian men become fools for foreign women, yet can barely spend a cent on Nigerian women? They accuse Nigerian women of wanting their money if she asks for a twix bar, but would gladly buy a car for a foreign woman who makes it clear she won’t stay if the money runs dry. So many Nigerian men have Nigerian women who genuinely care for them, and respect them, but they prefer to chase after foreign women who would not hesitate to slap them across the face if they slip up one tiny bit. I associate it with low self-esteem; for some reason I cannot understand, some Nigerian men consider dating a foreign woman to be an achievement. I wish I could understand why that is, but I just can’t. Perhaps a Nigerian man can explain this to me.

I am not saying Nigerian men should not fall in love with foreign women and vice versa; where there’s genuine love, I am glad. My point here is Nigerian men should not judge Nigerian women with different yardsticks. It is absolutely wrong to impose cultural norms on Nigerian women while you chase after women who do not fulfill 50% of the moral obligations you try to project. Don’t diss Nigerian women for wearing beach shorts that show their thighs while `you run after women in hot pants that show that can pass as g-string shorts. If you don’t fancy Nigerian women, that’s OK, you don’t have to wash their dirty laundry in public or list the 1001 reasons why they are just not your cup of tea.

hypocrisy

Ranting over…. as you were.