Relationships

I Just Can’t Find a Wife!

demotivation.us_ITS-EASY-TO-FIND-A-GIRLFRIEND-the-hard-thing-is-to-find-a-girl-worth-becoming-your-wife_136977394183

This is the song many men that claim they’d like to be married are singing… “I just can’t find a wife, so many ladies are deceitful. Too many ladies ‘have been around’ and those that seem good enough to marry are so unapproachable or uninterested.”

Ok guys… I hear you. It is easy to find a girlfriend, date her for five years or more, wake up one morning and have an epiphany that she just doesn’t fit into your future dream- she’s too lazy, she’s too fat, she farts when she sleeps, she dresses too simply, she’s too intelligent, she looks like a snob, my friends don’t get her, she is too talkative, she is too serious, she is just too much….If i hear one more complaint along these lines, I’ll have a fit! Jeez! I thought women were the queens of complaints. Clearly, I was wrong.

One of my male friends recently asked me…”How do I find my wife?” It seemed like a difficult question considering I am not on talking terms with cupid. however, I offered him some tips which I am about to regurgitate in this post. Hopefully, many young men in the “i can’t find a wife” boat will relate well with them.

#1 Stop Making Excuses! So many young men today dwell in the valley of excuses when it comes to not being able to approach a certain girl or not being able to commit. “Her face is just so discouraging, she hardly smiles”. I have gotten this so many times, I started to wonder if I ought to walk around with a smile constantly plastered on my face like i just had botoxNancy_Pelosi_Botox_Smile I mean seriously? What does her face have to do with anything? You like her, strap on a pair or ten pairs if you feel you’ll need them and just say a few words to her- a compliment, pleasantries, a comment about the weather….the worst she can do is show you she’s engaged.

#2 Stop Acting Like the Prize!!! Oh my! I can write a whole book on this one. I don’t know if it’s the psychological imbalance in society or the fact that many women carry the desperation billboards on their foreheads but many men approach women with the wrong mindset. They assume if she is in her mid or late twenties or thirties, she is definitely looking for a husband and they are the best offer on the table. So instead of a “Hello miss, How are you?”, they start off with the “Hey, I’m Mr X, and it would be in your best interest to know me.” Well, not those exact words but you get the point. No self-respecting lady would respond well to that. I met a guy like that, that even took it upon himself to point out to me that my mates were married while I was busy pursuing another degree. Oh well, his ass is roasting nicely on the curb now.

kicked_stupid_to_curb_tshirt-p235523236929265074yomt_210

#3 Learn the art of woo-ing I must confess now that I judge every lady that goes into a relationship with a man without being wooed. Yes, you can snarl at me, but i think it is the one phase every woman should let herself enjoy and it is the one skill every man should learn. I get shock waves when guys meet a girl at a party, ask her out to dinner, go on one date and then get upset that she is just not that into them. What happened to taking your time to woo the lady you claim to like? Why do men just expect women to fall into their laps like over-ripe fruits fall to the ground? Learn to woo! A compliment here and there, a thoughtful gesture, fun conversations…. you are the guys, you should know all these things! My interpretation of Woman? Someone a man should woo. Get it? I hope so!

Image (132)

#4 Girls don’t like bad boys It is popular belief that many women like to hang out with bad boys and get hurt over and over again. Well, this is definitely not the case! I’ll try to explain why it seems that way. Many women don’t like wimps! Yes, you read right, no one wants a wimp. Many guys, in their efforts to portray themselves as good men, act like spiders on remote-controlled roller skates, no balance of any sort, just ready to go in whatever direction the miss pushes you. Jeez! the only kind of women that will be super happy living with that are women with control issues.So before you start lamenting about how your ‘goodness’ puts women off, know this…it is not the ‘bad-ness’ in bad boys that we like, it’s the assertive-ness (and I don’t mean that in an abusive way; so don’t go slap some girl and wake up in a hospital bed three weeks later. Yes, some women can induce comas with one slap, don’t push).

#5 You are not her god I used to think women were the ones that liked to be worshipped and treated like eggs but seriously, my research has shown that men take the cake when it comes to this. These days, men expect a woman to prove she is worthy of attaining ‘his wife’s status’. She has to cook, clean his crib, wash his clothes, watch his friends mess everything up and clean up after them. Again, no self-respecting lady would do all this for you simply because you are dangling a ring in front of her eyes. donkeymotivation WE ARE NOT DONKEYS!!!!

You either want to marry a girl or you don’t. Using a carrot and stick approach is so unacceptable!!! These days, men say “If she can’t cook my meals, wash my clothes and clean my crib, she’s stuck up and spoilt and I just can’t marry her.” OOOOH I’m scared of being alone. *cyber shivering*.

If you are truly looking for a wife, I suggest you get cleansed from such thoughts. Yes, women want to be married and sadly, a number of women would do anything to be named Mrs, but bear in mind, many women who appreciate themselves are not willing to roll in the mud just so they can give up their last name.

Blog

Let Your Heart BLEED….

“Let your heart-break. I promise it won’t kill you” Those were the words I heard when an ad for a TV show titled ‘Iyanla fix my life’ was playing on TV. It sounded like a nice saying but I feel it didn’t apply to me.

About 18 months ago, I met the man of my dreams (do I hear a congratulatory applause and excitement?) Thank you, thank you but hold it please. I met him through a good friend of mine. She had done her research and she was sure both of us could fit perfectly like pieces of a puzzle. Now, all my friends know I don’t do blind dates. Heck, I don’t even do dates with guys I havent had an intellectually stimulating conversation with at least twice (you can judge me later if that bothers you) but this time, my friend was beyond convinced this was the man for me and I got convinced too. She didn’t give me any info, I didn’t know his name or anything personal. All she told me was he’s much taller than you (yeah, height is a big issue for me) and he’s a lawyer (Oh yeah I’m also particular about not dating an idle man. I’d rather have him too busy than idle. Again, you can hammer on this later). Read the rest of my story.

Mr X called me on a sunday evening and we planned to go on a date. It was one of the best dates I ever had; we talked, we laughed and it was so obvious that there was chemistry. I’m an astute observer; what I can’t get from your lips, I will get from your body language or from the one part many people fail to observe- your eyes. From him, I got my observations from every part of him; his body language said from day one- I like you, his eyes said without any errors..”I  admire you and want to see you again” and from his lips, the words “you are so pretty/beautiful” were uttered more times than I can remember. I was on a high when I got home, My friend was right. Mr X was the man I dreamt of when I lay on my back at sixteen and threw a pillow behind my head so I could travel to daydream land.

We went on many amazing dates after that; there was never a dull moment- laughter, admiration and affection were all in the mix and I was on cloud nine. As most women, I started to picture a forever (you might yell MISTAKE, but believe me, when you get on the type of cloud I was, it will be hard not to imagine a forever). As the season changed from spring to summer, so did the dynamics of our rendezvous. Mr X became too busy with work to hang out (i could live with that) but I couldn’t live with the curt replies on the phone and the reluctant-ness that came with every phone conversation. It was time to get my head out of the clouds and smell the brewing coffee. Now, as emotional as I can be, I love to deal with facts. Questions arose in my head…. “Was Mr. X swamped with work and was under stress? Was Mr X dealing with a situation I didn’t understand? Was Mr X changing his mind about me? Did Mr X even like me from the start? All these questions were in my head when I typed an email demanding to know what was wrong, and I got the “I’m still in love with my ex response”. Talk about being dealt blows and kicks on your way to the ground. I did what was best, I let Mr X be.

Fast forward to almost a year later, Mr X and I had started speaking again and even gone on a few dates. Each date was the same as when we first met- filled with laughter, stories and just two people attracted to each other having an awesome time. However, this time, each date was accompanied by silence that lasted sometimes for a month, sometimes for two. By this time, I could tell Mr X was fighting a battle where I was concerned. ‘Should he go for the hearty black beauty (me; yeah I know I love myself) who was willing to argue with him but end it all with laughter?’ ‘Was she the girl he really wanted to be with?’ I speculate these were the questions Mr X battled with. I battled with them too ‘Was he falling for me again?’ ‘Am I what he wants, who he wants?’ I got my response after a few trial dates- Mr. X told me he did battle with his decision but he decided to go with someone (not his ex) that satisfies his psychological needs. I read the email, smiled and ignored the ache in my heart. You see, I had never admitted to anyone, not even myself that I had fallen in love with Mr X sometime during our awesome rendezvous. I kept my head high, went on a trip and acted like nothing was wrong. Truly, nothing was wrong until I saw Mr X again and all the feelings came flooding back.

At first, I told myself I could win him back but I was quickly reminded that I am the prize and chasing the hunter was never a good idea. I told myself his decision and everything that led to it didn’t hurt me- I mean I didn’t mind being taken to see what my dream relationship looked like and then pushed out of it like I didn’t buy the right tickets to see the show. I didn’t mind that I felt like I was auditioning for the leading role in a play and was told at the last minute that I wasn’t good enough for it. I didn’t cry, I didn’t flinch one bit. If anything, I made Mr X believe I was fine with his decision and simply moved on with my life, even occasionally exchanging emails as friends and nothing more. I played the ultimate deception with myself, Mr X and everyone until I heard those words “Let your heart break, I promise it won’t kill you”.

Now I know my heart is not broken; I don’t feel the ache that comes with broken-ness. What I do feel however is the pain that comes with bleeding. I looked into the mirror, smiled and said to myself “Let your heart bleed; I promise it won’t kill you.”

If you’ve been or are in the same shoes as me, you can smile and say the same. The tears that will follow will lighten your heart, I promise.

Image

Relationships

Thirsty for love?

Everyone wants to be loved; there is no doubt about that- the most socially awkward people, the stone-hearted boss that wouldn’t care if you get hit by a train as long as she gets her coffee on time, the homeless guy watching as people happily walk past…everyone craves to be loved. And the truth is, many of us are loved- we have family members that may not speak to us everyday but get depressed whenever we are unhappy, friends who like to share our pain and sit next to us, handing us tissues while we cry our eyes out over that relationship that was supposed to lead down the aisle but just didn’t work out….. Many of us are loved but for some reason, we are willing to forget that all for the sake of an underserving partner

Yes, I know you are thinking what the angle to this post is. What are you waiting for? Read on!

During a discussion with a group of friends, I got infuriated (to put it lightly) about how everyone was lamenting about the one guy that took them to the highest mountain, showed them the world and in an instant pushed them down with a grin on his face. Phrases like “He didn’t always treat me right but when he did…” “I knew he was horrible but I just had to make it work….” “You can’t choose how you act when you are in love..” *YAWN* Wake me up when the melodrama is over.

Why do women act like they have no roots? I mean seriously, why do we go into relationships with someone that is not an inch deserving of us and we hold on tight like if he walks out the door, the black cloak of death will suddenly be over us and our souls will be sailing in the sea of lost hearts? While my friends wemt on and on about how they just want to be loved by this guy, I watched “Come dine with me” and had an amazing laugh. Needless to say I was not going to join the pathetic love pity party. Why? I know where I come from and the calibre of people that value me.

That was my question to them when ‘Come dine with me’ unfortunately ended. “Do you have family?” “Do you have friends?” “Do you get showered, sprayed, sprinkled, soaked and even submerged by the love these people have to show you? ALL answers were affirmative and that led to my next question “Then why do you let some guy with the emotional maturity range of a teaspoon drag you through the mud, kick you into the ground and still have you chasing after him like he holds the air you’re breathing?”

I’d never understand why we do that. I’m not judging; I’ve also done all that before but one day I took a long hard look at myself in the mirror, I noticed how beautiful God made me, I looked at my phone records- my family members call me almost everyday to check on me, fill me in on what’s happening at home and simply just tell me they miss me and would love to have me home for the holidays. I thought about my many friends that encouraged me when the walls of life closed in on me and through prayers and motivation, we pushed the walls apart so I could breathe easy. I even thought of my church members that had compliments for or just a reassuring hug after the service and the many “God bless you” “Have a super dupa week” and “Drive safe” statements that accompanied warm goodbyes and then it hit me. I was worth more to many others but I chose to stick with the one person that didn’t care about the fact that I was a rare gem. I chose to be with someone that did not hesitate to use derogatory words all in the name of anger, someone who could not even introduce me as the girl in his life but rather I was a ‘friend’, someone who probably wouldn’t have cared if I started dating someone else, someone who simply did not care, period!

It’s time to stop all that thirst! It’s self-created and not healthy. When you project a ‘thirsty for love’ outlook, it is only normal that an undeserving guy will perceive himself as your saviour and end up treating you like a piece of rag. There are many people out there who love you; key into that love and stop chasing after one person who does not care! xoxo

Blog

Why You Need To Stop Searching For Your Soul mate

At some point in your life, you will feel the urge to settle down; all your friends will start getting married, uploading pictures of cute new-born babies on Facebook and Instagram and cute pictures of random romantic acts by their husbands. On your profile, your pictures are a far cry from that of someone with a happy union; they are mostly pictures of you alone making funny faces at the camera, taking selfies from different angles or well pictures of your dog, cats and perhaps a parrot.

The need to search for your soul mate will become overwhelming and before you know it, you are out there on the hunting ground looking for Mr. Right. He doesn’t have to be Mr. Perfect, that, you know and you even have a list of things you don’t like but won’t mind tolerating. You know what his height must be, his complexion, his career even, his etiquette skills etc…

There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want but when you start searching for your soul mate with all your energy, you have a little problem on your hands. This problem is so little, yet it becomes significant as time goes on. It’s the fact that you start to perceive every man you meet as a potential life partner. Before you get to really know him, you already checked 5 qualities out of ten on your list- he has a nice height, a great job, speaks properly, is sophisticated just like you and is the perfect age. This again is not a bad thing; what follows however is the crux of the problem- you start to pull him towards you.

You might read that and think “huh?! How is that a bad thing?” I’ll let you in on it. The problem with searching for your soul mate is that you tend to believe any man who has 50% of what you are looking for must be the one so you start acting like he’s the one before he even indicates he’d like to be the one. Makes sense? i hope so. You start to talk about marriage on the second date, you talk about ring sizes, weddings and if you are really caught in dream land, you start to talk about the number of children you’d like to have. Now this would have been great if you’ve known him for a few months or perhaps a year, but someone you’ve only known for a week? You have to admit that is weird!

Another problem with searching for your soul mate is that you won’t enjoy dating anymore; every date becomes like a task – a task to see if you can unmask prince charming in this new big fish you’ve caught. Dating becomes laborious and subsequently becomes full of disappointments. It becomes exasperating when you can’t find the one and you sink into the “I’m unlovable” depression pit.

I stopped searching for my soul mate because I got tired of finding douche bags and egocentric selfish beasts beneath each charming exterior. I decided to start spending time with myself, my family, my female friends and even my male friends. When I go on a date, I have zero expectations and i discovered I have enjoyed many more dates since then, even with guys I once screened as potential life partners.

I’m not asking you to embrace the world of loneliness and depression; I am asking you to let go of the search. It is not your job. Live your life to the fullest and enjoy it. Be comfortable being in a room alone with yourself and not minding it. Yes, everyone is married, everyone has a baby and you don’t even have a boyfriend, not to mention one that would get down on one knee but believe me, that’s ok. He’s on his way and you won’t have to go out of your way to unmask him. You won’t come across as obsessive and desperate once you let go of the search and you’ll actually give good men an insight to who you really are. Stop searching and give yourself a proper shot.

Relationships

Why That Fire-Spitting, Demon-Chasing Christian brother is just NOT RIGHT for you

Whenever christian women get the question “What kind of guy would you like?”, the first response is “he must be christian” and other qualities such as tall, handsome, financially well-to-do and bla bla follow. Of course, if you are asking someone who is scared to show she is interested in something ‘worldly’ like money, you get the “As long as he is Christian, I’m fine! I don’t care if he is a pauper or a hobo” Who are you kidding?

I have seen and heard from many women who found their christian man; they dressed the right way, spoke the right bible verses at the right time, acted the right way and of course looked in the right place- the church. Where else would you find a man that is able to spit fire when he speaks in tongues and have demons running at 400km/h? Many of these marriages are successful while some are camouflages- presented in a certain way to fool the public; it would be a big shame if people discovered what went on behind closed doors! Whatever the case, many women married to their dream Christian men try to spur their friends in the same direction. It may look attractive but is that choice really for you?

There are many reasons I would not date a fire-spitting brother and no it’s not because I have been carried away on a wave of worldly emotions or in love with ‘bad boys’. On the contrary, it’s because there are many qualities most christian brothers have that would simply make me jump off a cliff WILLINGLY.

  • He’s too judgemental: Many Christian men have taken the role of Christ upon themselves; they want to judge every friend you have, every move you make and everything you say. Don’t you dare mention you have a past, he’ll run out the door and share your past with his prayer group, in a bid to ‘pray for you’ while he keeps his distance from the Jezebel trying to come to Christ. I see many brothers raising their eyebrows at ladies that wear jewellery or have weaves or even pedicures. Like seriously? *No comment*

  • He’s spiritually arrogant: In case you don’t know, there are many christian men that are so full of themselves, they have enough ego for ten men! If you date such a man, be ready to be on the receiving end of his constant self-appraisal, self-admiration, self-centeredness and every other kind of self-word you can think of except self-control! Even when you feel the need to share something God has laid on your heart with him, he is quick to brush you aside and call your interpretation of the word -immature and myopic. As far as he is concerned, spirituality begins and ends with him in your home, you are just his disciple.
  • He wants you to change: Nothing is wrong with change if it’s in a good way and for the right reasons but what happens when your man decides you are not good enough to be known as his spouse simply because you have a different attitude towards life from his? He doesn’t want you to read ‘worldly’ books. Loving your Danielle Steel novel? Wait till you receive that lecture about how it adds nothing to you and you should be buried only in books that increase your spirituality. Do not get me wrong here; I love to read inspirational books written by pastors but do I want to read them everyday? Nope! Sometimes, I want to read a tragic love story or an exciting crime tale, something thrilling about a fictional family feud and so on. It doesn’t end with books- music, TV and everything else will be added on to it.
  • He HATES your sense of style: This is a very controversial topic amongst many christian men and women. Some men believe the christian woman must be absolutely modest in her appearance- the only piece of skin people can see is her fingers, she can’t wear jewellery, she MUST cover her hair always, she can’t paint her nails, she can’t wear makeup, some even go to the extent of criticising women that relax and condition their hair. Oh wow! Many times I find myself tongue-tied when I speak to such men but when my tongue loosens up a bit, I tell them to please search the convents for their spouses. I am not supporting women that walk around with half of their assets hanging out; in my opinion, that looks disgusting. But what is the issue with not being allowed to wear pants or makeup? Are baggy brown dresses, tangled frizzly hair and chappy skin the description of the Christian woman? Enlighten me.
  • He’s caught up in a divine world: I’d sure love to have a husband that hears from God but do I want him in a trance every second of the day? Erm…no thanks. Many marriages suffer because husbands are too spiritual to show their wives how much they care. They are constantly on the run trying to solve the problems of others while their families are at home in dire need of their attention and affection. When you bring up the need to spend time together, he’ll tell you you need to join him in the spiritual realm. Well, if that’s not what God has called you to do, you will not succeed in joining him. Instead you’ll end up frustrated, in tears and might be tempted to get attention elsewhere.

Some of you will read this post, wrinkle your noses and raise your eyebrows and probably pray for my dear ‘lost soul’ (thank you in advance) while some of you will understand where I am coming from. When I pray to God for my man, I always pray that he’d make my spouse my best friend and that we’d live together in harmony and serve God all the days of our lives. I don’t need him to quote a bible scripture everytime I make a mistake, I don’t need him to make me his disciple, I’m already a Child of God. I don’t need him to constantly remind me of how God has bestowed a certain talent upon him and I’d better listen or face eternal damnation. Hahaha! Being married to an arrogant self-centred man- christian or not- is already a preview of eternal damnation.

xoxo

Relationships

I Really Do Not Like Valentine’s Day

Before you conclude that this is yet another post about how irritating it is that people wear white and red or white and pink or a disturbing combination of all three, please read on; it really isn’t.

It is not a post about how people should show love everyday either and not just on the 14th of February; I’m sure you already know that.

I really ‘do not like’ (in the case, the phrase represents, without any doubt, “Hate”) valentine’s day; it has nothing to do with me just being an aloof person when it comes to relationships; if anything at all, valentine’s day is the reason I became aloof.

It was on valentine’s day that I realized you can be the girlfriend and not get a gift; no scratch that, you’re not expecting a gift and it would have been fine if you didn’t get one. But, it would have also been great if the absence of a gift was not accompanied by a lashing out and a confession about how he cheats because you just can’t give him what he wants. Three months later, that relationship or whatever it was bit the sand and I was on to the next one.

It was on valentine’s day that I realized many men just have a great knack for absolutely BAD TIMING! While you’re in the honeymoon phase, excited that you finally kicked your ex whom you’ve now termed an irredeemable idiot to the curb, and found someone much better, someone you believe loves you for you and would be there for you come hell or high water, you realize your new angel struggles with the disease of indecisiveness. So, on valentine’s day, you get that message that says “Hey, you’re two hours flight away and I’m not into long distance. I think I made a mistake coming for you.”
Yeah… Another one bites the dust.

It’s on valentine’s day I realized someone can make you feel unwanted and the cherry on the top would be because he’s spending it with someone else! It usually starts on the 11th of february or even earlier, depending on how determined he is to get rid of you. It starts with “I’m working out of town on that day babe; let’s get together on the 15th. Will be back on the 14th but only at 10pm so I’ll be too tired!” Being the sweet sensitive girlfriend that you are, you understand but as the days go by, an idea forms in your mind. “If Mohammed is too tired to go to the mountain, the mountain must go to Mohammed”. I tried it and well, all I can say is “Touch down!!!” So, except his name is actually Mohammed and you’re really a mountain, please ditch this saying.

It’s also on valentine’s day or should I say the day after that I realized some guys are just out to win a stupid bet. You have a nice dinner, flowers, good conversation, perhaps a kiss at the end of the night and nothing more. The next day, you receive no calls so you think he has a hangover and you decide to call. He doesn’t answer his phone twice. You let him be. He’ll call back, you say. Well, days turn into weeks and weeks into months; you bump into him at the mall and he acts like you’re an old ‘unattractive in that way’ friend. Huh?! Where’s the ‘my phone broke’ excuse or ‘I accidentally walked into a lion’s den and was in a coma for weeks’. With time you get to hear the gist of everything; mr charming was simply tasked to melt the heart of the ice queen for a couple of hundreds. Oh well, at least you had a nice valentine’s day and feelings of self-condemnation and self-criticism to last you a few more months. Now who doesn’t want some of that?

All these experiences are not mine, I’ll admit, some are my friends’; I’ve only had the ‘good fortune’ of experiencing a couple of them. Nevertheless, valentine’s day has always left a bitter taste in my mouth or mouths of those closest to me. In the absence of a bitter taste, there was no taste at all which I think I prefer really! So please do pardon me when I say, I really ‘do not like’ valentine’s day.

Relationships

Mr Right, where are you???!!!

  •                                                                                                                                               Miss Right Residence
  •                                                                                                                                               1, Patiently waiting boulevard
  •                                                                                                                                               City of Singles, 0000, Planet earth.

To whom it may concern

Dear Mr. Right,

I hope you started 2014 with a good bang!!! I mean a  good bang on the head because you deserve it! Don’t play ignorant with me; You know very well what i am talking about.

I was told to expect you in 2013 but I waited and waited to no avail; God has surely blessed me with patience; he definitely knew you were not going to show up in 2013. Where on earth are you? I spent days, weeks, and all the months of the year waiting for you. Scratch that…i have been waiting for you since I was sixteen!!! I have been learning to be a proper lady, reading God’s word and growing to become the nurturing woman I ought to be. I have completed all my courses in “Becoming an amazing wife 101”, getting distinctions in all my assignments, but for some reason, you still think I deserve to wait.

I was told you can’t find me if I stay holed up in my apartment all day, reading the bible so I decided to meet you quarter or halfway so you can at least find me. Don’t feed me the excuse that you’ve been looking for me too. Looking where exactly? I have been to all the places I was told you could be, possibly asking for directions on how to reach me. I tried the gym first of all because when I prayed, I prayed for a healthy fit man but you were not there! All the men I met there were self-absorbed chauvinists that were only interested in showing me their biceps…yes they were nicely built containers but they offered no valuable contents, I just had to move on.

I tried to join a community service group; afterall, i did pray for a man who is humble and loves to give to those in need but you were not there. I met many “Mr. Right nows” that were doing community service, not because they derived joy in it but it made them feel less guilty about their wealth. I wasn’t interested.

I tried the malls because I prayed you’ll be a man who understands my love for fashion and a man who will be in  a position to spoil me silly; tough luck for me – all I met were creeps that winked at me and licked their lips, making me wonder if turtle-neck long sleeve, ankle-length dresses were the new fashion statements that screamed “A wink at me will get you a kiss and a lick of your lips will get me in bed.” I definitely got the heebie-jeebies and decided you were not hanging out at the mall. I wanted to try sitting alone at restaurants believing you will see me, strike a conversation and we will realize we are meant for each other but i did not want to come across as a single depressed and desperate soul. I did try cinemas, skating rinks and even clubs and pubs, though I was warned sternly that I may never find you there! Well, they were right. You were not in the pubs and though I was tempted with the idea of flashy hot and suave men, I had to stick to my mission – waiting for you Mr. right

ImageDon’t laugh just yet and tell me you’ve been hiding in church, looking for me there. I have looked there, countless times! sometimes, i opened my eyes during prayers to see if your eyes were wandering around by any chance, perhaps, eye contact could convince you that I am the one but you have not been there. Don’t get me started on the different ‘genre’ of men i have met at the church. i would love to go into details but I think it’s better i do that in person. I have even tried blind dates where I sat there the whole time wondering “Has it really come to this?” I even lied I was going to powder my nose once on a blind date; instead, I grabbed my car keys and drove straight home to the company of my blanket and a nice tub of blueberry cheesecake ice cream.

I have now come to the conclusion that you are either somewhere resting because I’m far away and you need all your strength to find me, or you are lost (which is the more plausible explanation, considering I did not ask for a man who resides at the north pole) but I did ask for a man and studies have shown men hate asking for directions…they’ll rather get lost and try to find their way over and over and over again.

Well, I am not going to sit here, waiting for your no-direction-asking self to show up when I’m about to hit menopause. I have asked God to send you a GPS device! You’d better use it and get here soon! I just hope you are not stuck in a tree in the middle of nowhere.

Signed:

All the single ladies

xoxo.

Relationships

What Love Is Not!

We all face some form of heartbreak at some point- the back-stabbing best friend that makes up stories to make us look bad to other people, the cheating boyfriend or girlfriend that has wandering eyes but still keeps assuring us of love or sometimes, the friends that hang around when things are great and ‘poof’ into thin air when we have to dance to a sadder life tune….

I spent some time wondering if love was meant to be entwined with heart-wrenching stories of excruciating emotional pain, and it certainly did not help when recently, a friend asked me about my relationships that didn’t work out and I delved in a little about the cheating, the cowardice, the manipulation and bla bla… One question he asked threw me off-guard. He said to me “Has a man ever loved you?” He may not have realized it but the question had me stuck in my thoughts for days. I replayed every relationship in my head, bit my fingers at some of the things I accepted and at the end I came to an answer…NO. Why? Because I now know better. I know what love is and what it’s not.

Love is not a panicky feeling. Many people are in love, yet they are panicky. Panicky that they’ll lose their partner. Why? Because they have no validation in their hearts. They are doing 80% of the work involved in keeping the relationship alive while their partner gets along doing 10% or 8% at will… There are excuses as to why they can’t give anything more than 8%… “Sweetheart, I have to work! I barely have time to call you.” “You know I’ve been hurt in the past, I don’t want to put my heart into it 100% just yet.” Dear ladies and gentlemen, bear this in mind- You are not Romeo or Juliet. If a person is not ready to commit as much as you want to, I suggest you move on to someone who will. Don’t ‘kill’ yourself over something that’s not mutual. I’m sure President Obama has to deal with economic issues, attend meetings but he still has time to text his wife back.

Love does not cheat! Many people say “I just can’t help myself :(” Oh dear! How many times have I heard that? Cheating is not an overwhelming feeling like many ‘helpless’ people make it out to be. It’s a decision…. A decision many people make after weighing the pros and cons and decide “my partner or spouse may never find out so let me just enjoy myself.” Cheating is not necessarily a decision made because the temptation is so strong, this man or woman is overwhelmed. It’s a decision made out of selfishness…which leads me to the next..

Love is NOT selfish! I don’t know how many times I ought to emphasize this to men and women. Love is not selfish. When you love someone, you won’t make decisions that will hurt them and benefit you or request things from them till they are completely drained. Love is not just about satisfying your own needs, not caring about the side effects your satisfaction may have on your partner. Love is when you both come to a decision. Surely, someone has to make a sacrifice every now and then but someone should be either one of you, not just one person all the time.

Love does not lie. Two of my friends got married two years ago and during a discussion with the bride, she said to me “we made a promise to each other to tell the truth, no matter how ugly it is.” I nodded my head, knowing it takes a lot of courage and love to bare your heart to your partner or spouse because you are sure they truly love you…

Love is not unforgiving. Someone once said to me “Successful relationships are built by two people that are willing to forgive over and over and over and over again”… Forever is a very long time not to piss each other off at least a thousand and one times!

Love doesn’t make you defensive. I was once in a relationship where I felt like I had to walk on egg shells all the time. I had to act a certain way, laugh a certain way and in no way was I myself. Those close to me will tell you I’m a fun-loving person. In this relationship however, I was like a peacock in a strait jacket, with a head mask and cuffs around my ankles. Any attempt to show my true self was met with raised eyebrows and a thirty minute bible lecture. No one should go through that. In love, you should be yourself! And loved for who you are. You shouldn’t have to defend every sentence, every action or even a twitch of the eye. This person saw you the way you were before they decided to date you. Love shouldn’t be a mission to completely change a person. Rather go for what you want in someone else. Remember, there’s only one of you out there. Embrace your uniqueness!

Love does not manipulate. If you have to play games to keep your relationship or manipulate a person into ‘loving’ you then be sure it’s not love and it won’t last. Sooner or later, manipulation blows up in the face of the manipulator.

To love someone, you need to be a pillar of support, a gentle critic, a bold cheerleader of that person’s achievements, an admirer of that person’s personality and your differences and of course, have a forgiving heart.

XOXO

Relationships

Message to the last single girls: STOP!

It is funny  (I don’t mean funny Ha-ha) how life can spiral out of control and we believe we have no control over it. Of course there are times it feels like fate has conspired against you and everything is really beyond your control, but that excuse is extra-flimpsy when it comes to matters of the heart.

Dear single lady, it must be hard going from one relationship to the other and failing every time. Sometimes, you know it’s not your fault everything bit the dust and there are other times you just wish you could have done  a lot more to save your relationship. You endure emotional abuse, you try to mould a frog into a prince, you even try to play saviour and save him from his hell-bent heart but nothing works…don’t stress, I’m not judging. I’ve been there, done that and nope I didn’t get the t-shirt. I was manufacturing the t-shirts until God closed down that factory and hung the stop sign right in front of my face

stop sign

Dear single lady, it is time for you to put an end to vicious cycles too. STOP accepting to be the second best! If Mr. whoever is in a relationship with someone else, then HELL NO you can’t be his muse on the side! It all seems cool and intriguing at first when he is promising you a trip on a flying carpet but believe me, the intrigue doesn’t last long when he realises he can get the milk without having to buy the cow. Who wants to tend to a cow, feed it, keep it warm in winter and have a grazing ground for it in summer when they can get all the milk they need for free?

STOP enduring emotional abuse! People often say “I said those things because I was so angry, I didn’t mean to call you a bastard or a bitch” Puhlease! Arguments, debates, whatever they are should be based on respect still. Don’t endure a relationship where you are spoken to condescendingly, where you have no right to be yourself, where you feel empty and distraught all the time. Don’t let the fear of being single lead you to an emotional grave.

STOP acting aloof when it comes to your appearance. Yeah yeah “beauty comes from within” but men that love intelligent women won’t queue up to hear your theories on quantum physics, nor are they capable of reading your mind. The first thing they see is you – your body, your smile, your fashion sense, your hair…everything that makes them seem shallow. Don’t judge, we all know we judge men by their looks too before we even decide to speak to them. Put some effort into your appearance. Don’t take yourself too seriously not to. Don’t say “dressing up makes me look like I need a man”or “my man will find me”. My dear, it will be hard for him to find you if you blend in with the furniture. In an effort to stand out, don’t wear too much makeup, you’ll look like an infant poured a whole lot of colour over a drawing paper. Don’t dress indecently; dresses with your boobs spilling out or your bum in transparent leggings for the world to see are not going to help you get a man but you’ll get a dog. Perhaps, you’ll be happy with that.

STOP walking around looking like the economic recession of the world is your fault. Smile; when someone smiles at you at the bank, smile back, exude happiness, be positive. believe it or not, it shows on your face. Be willing to pay other people compliments and accept the compliments they pay you. When a person says “That’s a nice dress”, don’t reply with “Oh! Is it?” or “I think it looks funny”. Say thank you and let them see that you mean it.

STOP over-feeding or under-feeding yourself. Obesity is not attractive, nor is anorexia. To be happy and positive, your health is important! Keep yourself healthy! Don’t indulge in unhealthy habits that will cut your life short or rob you of happiness.

STOP self-abuse. I was speaking with a friend yesterday and he  told me he self-abuses a lot by saying things that are derogatory to himself. Stop it! Every time you have the urge to self-abuse, try these ‘pick me up lines’

“I do my best always”, “I am smart in spite of my mistakes’ “What I did was wrong and I forgive myself” “I will do better next time” “God loves me in spite of my flaws”.

 I use these lines when I feel down and out. They have never failed especially when I add some low-fat frozen yoghurt to the mix 😉

STOP playing saviour! I have heard and seen many women play financial saviour, emotional saviour, even accommodation and feeding saviour. That’s like buying a puppy and grooming it so it grows to like you. You are his partner, not his mother. Don’t get me wrong, you can be supportive  of him but don’t make it a habit to wear the pants in the relationship. You’re his woman, be content in your skirt.

STOP acting like you’ll die if he leaves you. Every man likes to know his woman is content being by herself though she loves him so much she would love for things to work out. Don’t become that obsessive woman who isolates him from everyone else or tries to spend every second of everyday with him. Please spend some time with yourself. Have your own friends separate from his. It’s good to give a man some breathing space. You need the space too to think and reflect and have some crazy fun with your girls when he’s not there.

Some people think the saddest thing in life is loving someone who doesn’t reciprocate it but the saddest thing I’ve seen is a woman loving a man so much that she’d endure a unfulfilling and abusive relationship, forgetting that she is mighty special too.

Blog

Be a “Gold-digger”

These days, I see women thrown from one relationship to another, not exactly sure of who they are and worse, not knowing for sure what they deserve. I see many females, in a bid not be called gold-diggers settling for what I can only describe as rotten wood or perhaps sawdust that can be blown away and scattered by the wind in a matter of seconds…. Afterall, if he’s not poor and struggling to make ends meet, he is not a good guy….right? Right????

Why is it that it’s called gold-digging when a woman chooses to go for a man who has everything she has and more but when a man does it, it’s called true love? Why is that we women fail to realize who we are and what we deserve, and instead live our lives trying to satisfy the requirements of society? What is gold digging anyway? Is it having a college degree,a professional job, being able to afford your own home, a car, having substantial savings in the bank and wanting a man who has the same?

some people are even digging for diamonds

If you are a woman who has managed to pull through the adversaries of life, the stress of making a name for yourself, building a career and pushing hard to be better every time, then really, you should be a ‘Gold-digger’. By Gold digging, I don’t mean you need to go after his wallet, you already have yours. But you need to have someone who shares the same values as you do, someone who you are intellectually compatible with and someone who you are financially compatible with. You might wonder at the term “financial compatibility” but trust me it is important. We all know that love and kisses don’t pay anyone’s bills and money is one of the major reasons couples fight. Why then would you want to settle for a man who does not contribute to your wellbeing in any way, a man who sits on the couch all day and tells you he’s trying to become the next David Guetta yet you don’t hear any beats from his computer? A man who sits around and does nothing all day, waiting for you to work your ass off, bring the money home so he can buy the latest Lacoste sneakers? You settle for such a man and then get mad at the world and even at him for not trying to make something of himself. Hellooooo…you chose to settle for him, knowing he is not driven in any way, knowing he is blind when it comes to vision and knowing for sure that he is willing to let you be the sole provider.

When i say “dig for gold”, I mean dig for a man with substance! Any man can sit in a flashy car and wear an expensive Armani suit but not many men have visions or dreams. Many of them don’t even have a steady source of income. Like my girls would say, they are hustlers, looking for a chic that’s willing to ride the wave for just the moment. They have no interest in your future dreams and aspirations nor do they have any interest in helping you become the best you can be. Money is all they can offer and that’s just it.

Dig for a man who is profound with his thoughts, a man who is able to be your man (not ‘every woman on the street’s’ man), dig for a man who you can connect with not just sexually – intellectual connection is important too otherwise the relationship will be characterised by many baseless arguments that do not make any sense. Dig for a man with a good heart, a man who can look after you even though you have your own source of income. Remember, before God gave Eve to Adam, he gave Adam a job – to name the animals and to tend to the Garden of Eden. The job paid Adam with accommodation and food which was all he needed! A man’s role is to provide and protect. a woman’s role is to support and provide comfort in hard times.

While you are in search of all these, don’t be an idle woman too! An idle mind is the devil’s workshop. Eve was idle, walking around the garden with nothing to do, while Adam was tending to it which is why the devil was able to tempt her with the forbidden fruit. If Adam had been the idle one, he most likely would have been the easy target. Don’t be one of those women that walk around with painted faces but no substance. In other words, don’t be a fancy container with no contents.

Like calls to Like. If you are made of gold, you will certainly attract gold or something much better. Go for a man who cares about your soul, your body, your dreams, your aspirations… a man that won’t stifle you or make you less of who and what ought you to be. That is real gold right there!