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“I Don’t Want to Get Married”

Ladies, I know I don’t have to ask if you’ve ever uttered those words. Except you have been absolutely sheltered from heartbreak, or you’re one of those annoyingly lucky people who happen to find their perfect partner in the first guy they date, you must have uttered these words at the peak of hurt, frustration or downright anger against one man or men as the situation may be. Of course, there are many women who TRULY do not want to be married; the idea of such a hectic commit takes a difficult bearing on their psyche, but this post is not about criticizing or approving anyone’s choices regarding marriage. This post is about the women who REALLY DO want to be married but feel it’s a crime to admit it.

Image credit: http://www.stephanspeaks.com

In a typical long term relationship, most women start settling into the routine of things; they cook religiously (I mean enough food to last the dude a couple of weeks), they clean as soon as they arrive at his apartment (why some women make sanitation of their man’s space their mission is still beyond me), and of course, they give up the cookie as often as he wants, in any bendy twisty direction he likes. Afterall, the way to a man’s heart momma never told us about is something other than food. But here’s the thing, many women, in spite of fulfilling these wifely duties, and fitting the role of the perfect wife often find themselves confronted with one of these statements from their man:

“I don’t think I’m ready to get married” (The usual reaction is there’s a bit of hope he’ll be ready soon).

“I’m not sure I am the best for you” (what they actually mean is “I’m not sure you are the best for me” but this is lost on many women so what do they do? They go on a mission to convince him he’s the best they could ever hope for, even if they know deep down he certainly is not).

And of course, there’s the “I don’t want to get married” statement, which either sends a woman into shock or confusion or a very common act of defensiveness. Most women usually respond with the same statement thrown at them “I also don’t want to get married”, and this is where things really start to go downhill.

Image credit: everydaylife.globalpost.com

You see, in our society, a desire for marriage has been labeled to be some kind of latent desperation in women. This is not to say some women are not desperate to the point where they’d marry an empty three-piece suit; yes, those women exist. But also there are women who genuinely want to be married because they want to raise a family, have a husband, have someone warm to cuddle next to during the winter nights, and someone to go to the beach with during summer. It’s a desire that comes from a place of sincerity, but for the sake of not coming across as desperate, many women are ashamed to admit they want to be married.

Modesty, lack of identification of desires, and a general feeling of guilt for admitting what we want to others, are some of the reasons women think it’s OK to let their men know they don’t want to get married, even though they are dying inside. I find it very weird that anyone would want to kill their desires simply because someone else is not onboard with them. Why do women sink themselves into relationships that head nowhere all in a bid to not appear too needy or desperate? What exactly do you intend to achieve by claiming untruths and establishing them as your reality?

First things first, if a man says he’s not ready to get married, chances are you’ll feel like a nag. Why bring it up? You’ll ask yourself. ‘Now he’ll think I want to dictate the pace of the relationship!’ Well, I don’t know about dictating the pace, but I do believe the more probable reasons your man is saying he’s not ready to get married are a.) he doesn’t see himself spending eternity with you, irrespective of how hard you may have worked to prove yourself; b.) He’s really not ready because he’s not as mature as you are, and feels he’s been trapped in a relationship with you, while his friends sowed some wild oats. So yes, there might be hope, but there is also a huge chance of disappointment. It’s up to you to decide what’s likely to happen based on his character.

“I’m not sure I’m the best for you” – this right here is the oldest trick in the book. This is the seed of guilt that somehow chips away at you, and eats away at the corners of your heart. How could he possibly think he’s not perfect for you after all these years? Surely you must prove him wrong. DON’T! When a person says they don’t deserve you, believe them. By all means, please believe them. Don’t try to prove them wrong by devaluing yourself, and overdoing to compensate for their insecurities. If they don’t consider themselves good enough for you, chances are they will project their insecurities on to you. Sometimes, this is a statement that actually means “pack up and leave. I’d rather be with someone else”.

“I don’t want to get married” is sometimes an incomplete statement that ends with “to you”, but they know it would be too cruel to tell you the whole truth so they’d rather leave you to go into confusion trying to understand how you never realized you both didn’t share the vision of marriage. To alleviate the risk of losing the love of your life, you will claim in all entirety that you do not want to get married. You will tell him how you love what you both have, and don’t want to mess it up by getting married, and of course, you will start to question your desire to be married. STOP!!! If you want to be married, girl be bold enough to say so! There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married; yes for some people, you’ll be coming on a little too strong, but we are talking about what you want here. Why should you apologize for it? Why should you beat your heart till it stops beating for your sincere desire? Why should you let someone else dictate what you want or do not want? It’s difficult, I know, but it’s best to leave. If a person doesn’t want to get married (to you as we now know), why stick around to fulfill that person’s desires at the detriment of yours?

I understand many of us women still subconsciously reside in a patriarchal society where the needs of a man dictate the pace of the relationship. I am onboard with that if his needs are aligned with yours! So before you utter the words “I don’t want to get married” next time, ask yourself what it is exactly you’re doing- Are you killing your desire to fulfill his dreams, or are you just scared of losing the love of your life, who by the way is probably not in love with you anymore? XOXO

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The New Marriage of Convenience

Let’s face one simple truth: Many married couples in this 21st century generation do not love each other

A marriage of convenience has always been a measure taken by the individuals involved to avoid the development of unpleasant situations or strengthen certain family ties. Of course, most of these marriages hit the rocks even before the voyage begins, however the ‘convenience’ keeps them together, making them appear strong and formidable. These days, the cracks are more visible; (thank goodness for social media, how else will we know whose husband refused to add her on facebook?)

Do you remember that thing called love? The one that gives you butterflies in your tummy and makes you giddy with happiness when you see your spouse? Yeah, that factor is becoming extinct.

Age is fast becoming a deciding factor where marriage is concerned. The older you get, whether you are male or female, the harder it is for you to sit around and tell people you are waiting for someone you love. Love? Hello? Mr. X is a good, tall and handsome tongues-speaking usher, and Miss Z wears knee-length skirts, has no bad friends and sings in the choir. What more could you be looking for? With society hammering all these good qualities of Mr. X and Miss Z in your head, you subconsciously start to settle for the new idea of convenience rather than love. In other words, these days, the preaching of a person’s good character is enough to rope an unsuspecting party into a marriage of convenience. I have fallen prey to these conversations, and three weeks into the relationship, I extracted myself and hit the reset button. Yes, he was a very good guy, he spoke in tongues and he was an usher in church but that was by no means enough to overshadow the fact that I felt absolutely nothing.

“That he or she is a good person, does not mean the relationship or marriage will be successful”

Of course, sermons of a person’s great character are not the only openings for a marriage of convenience. Many of us get roped in by the idea of marriage being an achievement we must attain by a certain age, lest the world ask us what we have been doing with our lives. The basic factor of attraction is all we need to seal the deal but we forget that attraction wears off, while love sticks like glue. I’ve heard men say about their brides-to be “she’s not wow! But she’s not bad looking either”, “she’s a good woman, with a good job, what more could I possibly need?” and of course there is a lot of this reiterated on the female end of things: “He loves me a lot so I’ll manage. The koko na to marry”, “How many women can boast of a guy who does everything to please them? I don’t really fancy him but he wants to kill himself for me, biko na husband material be that! What more could a girl want?” Yes, what more could a person possibly need besides a non-robotic marriage, passion with your spouse, the willingness of both parties to make sacrifices and compromises, and the need to feel loved everyday?

No wonder many eyes wander after marriage, and lots of feet are found where they shouldn’t be. No wonder it becomes a boring old routine after a while! No wonder some people who are married tend to look unhappy compared to their single counterparts. In the words of a woman who has been married for 10 years, “I felt since he loved me more than I loved him, our marriage will survive. Now I met someone who I genuinely love at work, and I’m scared to leave it all behind.” This is the story of many married folks- wondering why on earth they chose to walk down the aisle in the first place. No wonder some of them cry at their weddings! It is not necessarily about affection, more like “why on earth am I standing here?

We end up in marriages of convenience because we tend to consider availability, rather than compatibility. Men are more prone to this error, as they tend to settle for the closest female when they feel they have reached marriageable age, and ought to catch up with their colleagues.

“The new marriage of convenience is simply about people who are itching to seal the deal, with anyone even if they hardly know or love that person!”

The new marriage of convenience strengthens nothing and no one. Both parties end up exhausted, leading separate lives under the same roof and having coitus just to wade off the winter cold, or simply satisfy chemical alterations in the brain that tell them “YOU NEED TO HAVE SEX”. The new marriage of convenience ends up with battered couples who tell you “marriage is so much work; I miss being single”. I thought the whole point of marriage was to find someone who will not make you feel like being single again? I may be wrong…what do I know?

I am not a fan of this new wave of ‘convenient marriages’. I find it creepy when a man well into his thirties meets me and starts proposing marriage five minutes later (Yeah, men get desperate too! The life of a spinster is more flowery than that of a bachelor in some ways). I find it weird when people get married but are unwilling to make sacrifices for their spouse or even give their spouse any form of support. I detest it when marriage seems like nothing more than a job description with duties and expectations outlined in an invisible contract that is often used to assess the efforts of a spouse.

I may sound like a helpless romantic but I believe love should be a key factor, and I’m not talking about the friendship type of love, or platonic love as you may call it (don’t get me started on that ‘marry your best friend’ sermon). Being friends is not enough; you should have the ‘hots’ for each other in a very passionate kind of way, because after being all friendly, kind and sweet, you need to have crazy sex and enjoy it with the person you marry. If you are not having sex, you might as well start plotting your exit strategy (not a fan of divorce, just saying).

“There are way too many mediocre things in life, love should not be one of them”

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“Don’t Be Left Behind!!!”

Those were the words that haunted me as I went to bed a couple of nights ago. After my usual routine of watching tv for at least a couple of hours a day, I struck up a spontaneous conversation with one of my acquaintances on BBM and the conversation steered in the direction of relationships. She asked why I wasn’t seeing anyone and I simply told her “I haven’t met the one. Many men out there are either cheats and liars or downright shady in the way they earn a living.” (I’m not planning to have a criminal record. I may be a president’s wife one day).

She went on to ask how many women get married every saturday if good men are so hard to find, I responded that some women are lucky, while others are willing to put up with liars and cheats for the glory of being called “Mrs”. Her response? “At least they are getting married”. I paused….. and carried on the conversation. Like I stated earlier, she is an acquaintance of mine and I really didn’t think I knew her well enough to have an in-depth discussion about that response. I went on to say many men are weirdos, they meet you today and propose to marry you next week. That sounds really sweet, but am I willing to marry someone I barely know? No! The divorce rate is high enough as it is, I have no plans to contribute to it. Worse still is the fact that some of these men get offended when you ask for sufficient time to know them and often accompany their proposals with a barrage of insults.

Her response? Times have changed! You can’t expect a man to chase you for years (I was thinking, if he’s chasing me for years, then he must have a really thick skull. I usually make it clear after a month or even a couple of weeks if I’m not interested. Give me a couple of months to know you, a few more months to date you before you spring marriage on me). I continued reading her messages… “You just have to be smart about it”, she said. “If a man proposes marriage after a couple of weeks, keep him interested while you get to know him. You might be prude and conservative but you need to move with the world! Don’t be left behind!!!”

Oh? I managed a LOL and announced my intention to drift off to la la land, switched off my phone and tried to sleep but I couldn’t! If a woman doesn’t jump at a marriage proposal from a man she barely knows, does that make her a prude? If a woman wants to get some time to know the man who is interested in her, does that make her conservative and boring? I need some clarification here, because I have been confused since I had that conversation. What i could infer from response 1,”At least they are getting married” is  that it doesn’t matter who the man is, or how much of a liar he is, you will be married and that is what is most important. LOL. Now I am really laughing, no wonder some men think the sun shines out of their ass. We are to blame! These days, when men joke, they usually take jabs at women, claiming  women will be over the moon if they were to propose. Marriage proposals are seen as favours by men with fragile egos and small minds. Don’t get me wrong, I am not against marriage. I love marriage, I want to be married but do I want to be married to just anyone? NO! Not every man who proposes marriage is good for you. You need to be able to know what you want in a man and be patient enough to wait for it.I am not saying you should be on the lookout for Mr. Perfect, there are some superficial characteristics that can be overlooked but you need to have a connection with the man you marry; intellectually, emotionally, financially and spiritually! Just because a man says “I want to marry you” doesn’t mean he’s good enough!

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About being a prude, oh well! better a prude than a vagina with warts and herpes, right? In an effort to not be described as prudish and old school, many women are moving with the world, jumping into bed to keep men interested, falling for a man that hints at marriage,getting dumped, abused and heartbroken every other month…how’s that working out for you ladies? I am not saying you should act like you’ve been living in a cave, I am not saying you should be boring or act offended when a guy makes jokes or comments about things you’d rather leave unsaid, but it doesn’t mean you should entertain every guy, simply to prove you are not a prude! Marriage looks nice and glamorous, especially on the wedding day, but believe me, forever is a long time! Avoid getting caught up in the rhythms of the world, just because you don’t want to be left behind.

Relationships

I Just Can’t Find a Wife!

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This is the song many men that claim they’d like to be married are singing… “I just can’t find a wife, so many ladies are deceitful. Too many ladies ‘have been around’ and those that seem good enough to marry are so unapproachable or uninterested.”

Ok guys… I hear you. It is easy to find a girlfriend, date her for five years or more, wake up one morning and have an epiphany that she just doesn’t fit into your future dream- she’s too lazy, she’s too fat, she farts when she sleeps, she dresses too simply, she’s too intelligent, she looks like a snob, my friends don’t get her, she is too talkative, she is too serious, she is just too much….If i hear one more complaint along these lines, I’ll have a fit! Jeez! I thought women were the queens of complaints. Clearly, I was wrong.

One of my male friends recently asked me…”How do I find my wife?” It seemed like a difficult question considering I am not on talking terms with cupid. however, I offered him some tips which I am about to regurgitate in this post. Hopefully, many young men in the “i can’t find a wife” boat will relate well with them.

#1 Stop Making Excuses! So many young men today dwell in the valley of excuses when it comes to not being able to approach a certain girl or not being able to commit. “Her face is just so discouraging, she hardly smiles”. I have gotten this so many times, I started to wonder if I ought to walk around with a smile constantly plastered on my face like i just had botoxNancy_Pelosi_Botox_Smile I mean seriously? What does her face have to do with anything? You like her, strap on a pair or ten pairs if you feel you’ll need them and just say a few words to her- a compliment, pleasantries, a comment about the weather….the worst she can do is show you she’s engaged.

#2 Stop Acting Like the Prize!!! Oh my! I can write a whole book on this one. I don’t know if it’s the psychological imbalance in society or the fact that many women carry the desperation billboards on their foreheads but many men approach women with the wrong mindset. They assume if she is in her mid or late twenties or thirties, she is definitely looking for a husband and they are the best offer on the table. So instead of a “Hello miss, How are you?”, they start off with the “Hey, I’m Mr X, and it would be in your best interest to know me.” Well, not those exact words but you get the point. No self-respecting lady would respond well to that. I met a guy like that, that even took it upon himself to point out to me that my mates were married while I was busy pursuing another degree. Oh well, his ass is roasting nicely on the curb now.

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#3 Learn the art of woo-ing I must confess now that I judge every lady that goes into a relationship with a man without being wooed. Yes, you can snarl at me, but i think it is the one phase every woman should let herself enjoy and it is the one skill every man should learn. I get shock waves when guys meet a girl at a party, ask her out to dinner, go on one date and then get upset that she is just not that into them. What happened to taking your time to woo the lady you claim to like? Why do men just expect women to fall into their laps like over-ripe fruits fall to the ground? Learn to woo! A compliment here and there, a thoughtful gesture, fun conversations…. you are the guys, you should know all these things! My interpretation of Woman? Someone a man should woo. Get it? I hope so!

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#4 Girls don’t like bad boys It is popular belief that many women like to hang out with bad boys and get hurt over and over again. Well, this is definitely not the case! I’ll try to explain why it seems that way. Many women don’t like wimps! Yes, you read right, no one wants a wimp. Many guys, in their efforts to portray themselves as good men, act like spiders on remote-controlled roller skates, no balance of any sort, just ready to go in whatever direction the miss pushes you. Jeez! the only kind of women that will be super happy living with that are women with control issues.So before you start lamenting about how your ‘goodness’ puts women off, know this…it is not the ‘bad-ness’ in bad boys that we like, it’s the assertive-ness (and I don’t mean that in an abusive way; so don’t go slap some girl and wake up in a hospital bed three weeks later. Yes, some women can induce comas with one slap, don’t push).

#5 You are not her god I used to think women were the ones that liked to be worshipped and treated like eggs but seriously, my research has shown that men take the cake when it comes to this. These days, men expect a woman to prove she is worthy of attaining ‘his wife’s status’. She has to cook, clean his crib, wash his clothes, watch his friends mess everything up and clean up after them. Again, no self-respecting lady would do all this for you simply because you are dangling a ring in front of her eyes. donkeymotivation WE ARE NOT DONKEYS!!!!

You either want to marry a girl or you don’t. Using a carrot and stick approach is so unacceptable!!! These days, men say “If she can’t cook my meals, wash my clothes and clean my crib, she’s stuck up and spoilt and I just can’t marry her.” OOOOH I’m scared of being alone. *cyber shivering*.

If you are truly looking for a wife, I suggest you get cleansed from such thoughts. Yes, women want to be married and sadly, a number of women would do anything to be named Mrs, but bear in mind, many women who appreciate themselves are not willing to roll in the mud just so they can give up their last name.