Relationships

How To Beat Emotional Abusers At Their Game

If there is one life code you should know like the back of your hand, it is how to beat emotional and psychological abusers at their own game. I did a video on the cycle of abuse, and how you can spot an abuser before they get to you.  You can check it out here. By understanding the cycle of abuse, it is easy to spot an abuser before they abuse you. And if you are able to spot a potential abuser, you can easily beat them at their own game. In this post, I will give you a  few simple tips to help you understand abusers better and beat them at their own game.

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The disclaimer here is that these tips may not work 100% of the time especially if you have been in an abusive relationship for a while. But they are guaranteed to work if the relationship is still in its early phases and you can already spot the signs of abuse. They have worked for me a few times, so take note. They are really easy and are based on the premise of self-control. Beating emotional and psychological abusers at their own game is like undoing every move they make on a chess board.

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The question to always ask yourself is: Are you a pawn or a queen? The best part is you can choose what you want to be

#1 Abusers are not as confident as they come across. More often than not, the reason abusers are successful in abusing you is that you are unable to spot their fake confidence. If you have watched the video (link above), you will understand why. They literally bombard you with so many compliments at the beginning, such that you can’t help but swoon over them. Well, don’t get carried away with swooning. Pay attention. Watch out for snide comments about the success of others. Listen to what excites them – the success or the brokenness of others? How do they react when someone they perceive as better than they are steps on to the stage?(Note: This person could be your friend, colleague, relative etc. It could even be you in certain circumstances). If you watch closely enough, you will see an abuser cower slightly when they perceive someone stronger is in your life. Then they will immediately follow up with a barrage of snide comments that are intended to downplay the achievements or persona of the other person. At this point, smile and do nothing. 

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Yes, you read right. Don’t stand up to defend your friend, relative or colleague. Hey, the comments may even be directed at you, but you don’t need to let your hair loose just yet. This is a game of poker. You simply cannot reveal what you have. This principle is called “stooping to conquer”.

#2 Once the abuser believes that you are easy prey and the time to walk all over you has arrived, he/she will begin to poke at your identity and the things that they once complimented you for. Remember when they called you “intelligent and beautiful”, you will suddenly become “dull with ashy skin and breakouts”. Remember when they said your sense of style was on fleek? You will suddenly become “cheap and slutty”. Now, this is where many people get confused. They assume silence is the answer to these thinly veiled insults. But nah… Surely you don’t want to lose your cool at this point but you also don’t want to keep quiet. What you want to do is destabilize the abuser by simply saying…”I am surprised you feel this way about my…(sense of style, intelligence, job…etc). You said just last week that you were impressed by it.”

Now at the point, the abuser will look very confused and try to understand what you are doing. They will immediately realize that you have been paying attention all this while, and will reprogram the strategy – they will either skip to the next phase which is to take unveiled pokes at your identity by comparing you with other people or their exes, or they will revert back to the compliment stage where they distract you with exaggerated notions of yourself that you need not believe. Do not fall for the latter and if they proceed to the next stage, here is what you do.

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Abusers know comparison can break your spirit 

#3 Abusers know that comparison is what breaks a person’s spirit. Being told that you are not as good as your friend, your colleague or even your partner’s ex can have you in mental hell for some time. So they use this tactic very carefully. They can make a passing comment about how Sally cooked spaghetti better than you do, and from there, it graduates to outright statements like “Nelson is a better provider than your broke ass”. Now the abuser at this point is looking for emotion. The abuser wants you to lash out at the comparison and bring hell up from the darkest abyss of your soul. And I bet you, you will want to rouse all the madness within yourself in response. But take deep breaths because this is what breaks the relationship.

Look impressed. Yep. You read that right. Look impressed as your abuser makes the comparisons. “I should call Sally and ask her for that Spaghetti recipe” or “Wow! That Nelson must have been quite the guy. Why did y’all break up?”

This will throw your abuser off course completely and the confusion you will see on his/her face will be absolutely laughable. Don’t laugh. The situation might get volatile. Simply finish whatever you were busy with, pick up every last thing you own if you are not in your home and leave as amicably as possible.

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The abuser will at this point go back to the drawing board, ready to either restart the process or terminate the relationship. Irrespective of the decision they make, you have ONLY ONE option – delete their details, block them completely and act like you’ve been hit with the spell, Obliviate where they are concerned.

Then pour yourself a glass of wine and pat yourself on the back as you say to yourself “You’re doing great sweetie”.

XOXO.

P.S: this post stayed in my drafts list for two and a half years. I dated an emotional abuser and I conquered. I hope you do too!

Relationships

This Feminism Nonsense

Feminism is just absolute nonsense! Really now! Look at how it has altered the dynamics of society, making women think they own the place and call the shots when clearly this world was built for men and men alone. This feminism is an unnecessary revolution staged to destroy what actually works in society to create a system where roles have been changed, slaves have become masters and life has become hell for men. Women no longer want to cook for their husbands because of feminism. Women no longer want to be bothered with house chores because of feminism. Women now want equal pay (like they have the same responsibilities as men). Women want to be respected like men (like seriously? Did Sarah not call Abraham Lord?)

Of course, men are retaliating; men no longer pick up the bill on dates they invite women to because well… she’s a feminist. If she wants equal rights, she should pay the bill. Men can no longer tell their wives what she can or cannot do with her life. They can no longer decide if she gets to study further or gets to keep her childhood friend. Their authority in their homes has been undermined because of this feminism nonsense. Women no longer want to submit; they don’t want to apologize when their men cheat; they don’t even ask what they did wrong that led him to cheat and try to fix things. They have these groups like FIN on Facebook that provide support and improve their self-esteem. This feminism nonsense has made women too strong! So strong that men no longer find them appealing, and have to now subject potential spouses to interrogations aimed at testing their aversion or adherence to submission. It has become a necessity to screen submissiveness, no thanks to this feminism nonsense.

This feminism nonsense has come to erode the hearts of impressionable young women who do not understand the need to be weak and vulnerable so they can be appealing to the men who are available. These women think they deserve better because this feminism nonsense said so.

Women now want to negotiate equal pay at work because feminism said so; they have no respect for men who are psychologically, emotionally and physically abusive because of this feminism. Women now speak up, they meet up, they hold their heads up because feminism said so. Can this feminism nonsense just die a natural death like du-rags and over-sized jeans did? (Or are those not really dead? Lord help us!

LOL.

Of course, these views are not my own. These are the views of many people out there who have absolutely no idea what feminism is or how it came about or even why it is necessary for society. There are interestingly many people out there who still believe the burden of keeping society falls on women and I bet if you are one of them, you just got disappointed reading this paragraph. HEHEHE. Sorry, not sorry.

Relationships

This is Why Many Christian Women Accept Abuse

I started writing this post about four years ago, and for some reason, I did not finish it. It was a very angry post, written with a lot of emotions that would have caused you all to wonder if my page was hacked.

Since I have decided to finish all the posts I saved as draft in honor of forgotten dreams during the month of August, here goes:

 You may not like the tone of this post but I will simply come out and say it: the abuse many women suffer in relationships is often a result of ill-conceived notions others have projected on to them. Notions that have come from the realities of others, which are now projected as facts rather than the isolated experiences they are. Notions that lead them to believe there is nothing better out there, notions that continually impress on their minds that abuse is a normal way of life, and no one is free from it. Yes sure, there are self-esteem issues to consider and parental patterns that have been imprinted from childhood, but in this post, let’s first discuss the impact other women have on the movement of abuse.

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There are many women in the world, in this age of enlightenment who indeed believe that abuse is a normal way of life. There are many women who spread notions such as “all men cheat”, “a man can still love you and cheat”, and “learn to avoid speaking up so he does not abuse you.” There are many Christian women who stand in places of influence and indirectly support the abuse of their fellow women.

I remember watching a video where a woman had asked a panel of Christian women for advice concerning her marriage where she was the breadwinner and was abused everyday by a husband who was in a drunken state most of the time. One of the female panelists started by asking her if she was watching what she was saying to her husband, because you know, “speaking to him disrespectfully could provoke his anger.” HUH???!!! A woman had just said in the full view of a gathering of women that she was getting hit everyday by her husband and the first point was to address her manner of speaking (via speculation) and proceed to advise her to watch war room and find an older Christian woman to mentor her. I closed the video thinking if that is what young Christian women will get from being mentored by older Christian women, they are better off taking advice from magazines.

I tried to imagine the impact the position of this woman on the panel had on many women who were in abusive relationships and present in that gathering.

It’s probably my fault

I should do better

A wise woman builds her home. I need to stay so the world does not consider me foolish

I came to the conclusion that the reason many women accept abuse is not necessarily because they don’t have the strength to leave. It is not because they can’t find their feet afterward.

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It is because society and the church make it seem as though leaving an abusive relationship is a crime. Many Christian women are quick to spring up and say “God hates divorce” but would not speak up to proclaim that the same God wants his children to be loved and treated with dignity and respect. Many Christian women march in favour of blind submission where their counterparts are exploited and humiliated over and over again. Many Christian women… wait for it… believe indeed that abuse is NORMAL; so normal, that they do not even call it abuse anymore. They call it the authority of the husband, the right of the husband to correct his wife… They say things like “all men cheat. It is just the grace of God that protects us from diseases” (I kid you not, someone said this to me).

They consider women who leave abusive situations as rebellious women who are undeserving of support and love. “If she needs help, she should go back to her husband”, they say. WOW… No wonder the tales that touch mostly come from the church (I am not referring to any church in particular).

The culture of silence is one many Christian women still seek to protect. The art of appearing ‘picture perfect’ has indeed been perfected so much that any woman who seeks to break the code of conduct by speaking up is seen as a wave that must be silenced, else other women follow her lead. The culture of victim blaming is prevalent. In a bid to appear pious, fellow Christian women will convict an abused sister for her lack of tolerance but will not stand up to the man who broke her spirit.

So of course, many Christian women accept abuse. They put on their lipstick and foundation, position their hats at the perfect angle and flash the smile that has fooled many into believing their idyllic lies. They quieten their hearts before they head out to church with their everyday mantra:

“God sees what I am going through. My reward is in heaven”.

XOXO.

Relationships

“You’ve Never Been In Love If…”

Image result for loveEverytime a sentence starts like this, I find myself leaning forward with all the eagerness I can muster, dying to hear the second half of what love feels like. Even though I have met many people who are in love, I have never really heard any of them describe it with an all-encompassing description that beats everything else. So yes, I am always eager to listen and collect these descriptions of love that people drop here and there. But so many times, my eagerness has been met with an anti-climax. The many halves I’ve heard have made it so clear that many people truly do not know what love is. Cultural beliefs, environmental influence, and patriarchal relationship propaganda have influenced the way many people, especially women, view and understand love.

So I was not surprised when one day, a colleague interrupted my conversation with another colleague to tell me point blank that I have never been in love. She sounded really convinced, that anyone who was meeting me for the first time at that very moment would have indeed believed my life has been void of love.

Let me give you a little background.

In our communal office space, I was discussing continuous infidelity with one colleague and was explaining as I have on this blog many times, that so many women have been hurt badly, and by badly I mean terribly. Many women are insane as it is, trailing their husbands everywhere, stalking all his female friends and colleagues and threatening fire and brimstone whenever they see any woman with him. Some women have developed what they call ‘coping mechanisms’. They ignore the problem. They post pictures on Instagram and Facebook highlighting all the symbols of love they have in their lives when truly, those things are nothing more than symbols. The actual act and substance of love.

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Some women have developed what they call ‘coping mechanisms’. They ignore the problem. They post pictures on Instagram and Facebook highlighting all the symbols of love they have in their lives when truly, those things are nothing more than symbols. The actual acts and substance of love are missing. Some women have found themselves exploring infidelity as a coping mechanism. Many of those on these ‘coping gang’ look fine, they act fine, they sound fine, but truly they are not.

I explained to the person I was having this conversation with that one factor that is responsible for loss of self-worth, loss of identity and all the different kinds of emotional chaos many women in relationships experience when they try to sleep at night, is the fact that love is no longer being served, but they are not willing to leave the table.

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Then the interruption came thundering from the desk across the room…

You have never been in love… because you clearly don’t know how to give your all to someone, and not receive anything in return.

I knew who it was. She had a knack for jumping into shallow waters with a dive, so I really was not surprised that she was yet again jumping uninvited into my conversation with someone else.

The first thought that crossed my mind was to silence her with the most cutting response that crossed my mind; but instead, I smiled and asked how she arrived at that conclusion. She didn’t answer my question but had many more lessons for me about how love makes a person give and give, and even after they’ve been hurt continuously and ripped of their self-worth, they cannot leave because they are in love.

You’ve never been in love if you’ve been hurt over and over and you leave. Love makes you give yourself without expecting anything in return.

“You’ve never been in love if you don’t feel the need to give up your dreams and aspirations for this person.”

“You’ve never been in love if you have never felt the need to love him so much, your love is enough for the both of you.”

What does that even mean? Loving someone enough for the both of you. That’s like loving a nomadic stray dog and hoping it will stay with you because your love is enough for both of you. I proceeded to ask her the questions that fired through my mind.

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 Does love leave you empty? Does it make you question your worth? Does love make you cry, make you insane, make you stalk other women and threaten them? Does love leave you unhappy?

Yes, these were the questions I asked her, and she could not respond.

Why do people think being in love is equal to emotional bankruptcy? Why are women out there still thinking that expectations are not required in a relationship? I see it every time: “Don’t expect anything and you will not be hurt.” What on earth is wrong with people who peddle this notion as the gospel foundation of every relationship?

I’ll tell you what’s wrong. They have developed a coping mechanism that expects hurt and puts up with it. They have put up with an erosion of their self-worth for so long, that they do not expect anyone to treat them better. I hear even Christian women peddling this (Since the devil now sends demons to pose in churches as bachelors)

“I don’t expect my husband to make me happy. God is the only one who can make me happy.” 

Image result for heartbrokenYea…it does not get sadder than that. If your husband is not expected to make you happy, then he is by default either going to make you sad or have absolutely no effect on you. And yea, I hear some of you championing for the latter, so I’ll ask: if he has no effect on you, why is he your husband? What is the purpose of your union? Why are you with him? Why are people peddling this martyr-ish type of love as normal? It is not. Sure your husband cannot give you JOY. God gives that. But your husband should aim to make you happy as you also aim to do the same for him. It is his duty to make you happy as it is yours to make him happy. What he cannot give you is joy. That comes from within.

If you still believe in giving up yourself till you are completely eroded without expecting anything in return, please understand this:

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Love does not leave you void. It cannot leave you void even if it tried. Love does not make you give up yourself for nothing. Love does not make you stand in front of the mirror and question if you are still pretty enough or if you still got it. Love does not hit you with pain pangs that feel as though your heart is about to fall out of your chest, nor does it make you anxious about yourself, your life, your decisions and even your past.

“Oh Demi please spare us. You are single. You don’t know the reality of life.” LOL.

If there is one thing I am sure of, it is the fact that love makes you better. Love brings out the innermost in you and makes it grow. Love reaches you in places you didn’t think you even had. And yes, you will give yourself for this love. But you will not have to train yourself to expect nothing in return. Because this love will always seek to ‘outgive‘ you.

XOXO.

PS: Check out my YouTube channel. Search Demi Fayemiwo.

Relationships

Men, Please Stop Killing Us Because You ‘Love’ Us

Logging into Twitter today is one of the worst decisions I have made this week. The hashtag #RIPKarabo was trending and I couldn’t help but wonder who she was. Did a celebrity die? Was she in public office? As I followed the trend, I saw her picture – Karabo Mokoena, a beautiful young woman whose smile was enough to melt the heart of Hades. I’d seen her picture before – two weeks ago when it was stated by a twitter user that she was missing. I remember thinking to myself ‘perhaps she’s hanging out with friends and will return‘. A number of people who have been declared missing have been found, right?

I COULD NOT BE MORE WRONG

Today her picture is flooding social media because she was found dead. Dead. Killed and burned allegedly by her ex-boyfriend. I could not begin to fathom the last few minutes of her passage from this earth, as her life flashed before her eyes and she realized with that final breath that all her dreams and aspirations were not going to happen. I tried to imagine what kind of rage possessed him to kill her and then proceed to set her on fire. Was it to hide evidence? Or was he just mad that she was slipping out of his hands? Did he feel he desperately needed to do something? what was crossing his mind?

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Source: The Express Tribune

I am sad and angry at the same time. Sad at the fact that many women are killed by the men who ‘love’ them. Many women are violated by the men who promised to stand by them and support them. Many women are stifled, insulted, berated and mentally destroyed by the men who once told them they felt like home. Many women are dead inside but no one can tell. They show up at work, listen to presentations, smile, perhaps even laugh sometimes. But you can tell if you know the song that once played from their hearts that their lights have been dimmed, some even put out completely, by the men who are meant to be their pillars of support. The songs in their hearts have stopped playing, and all they do is respond to the autoplay tune they have become accustomed to. Many women die physically; many women die emotionally; many women die in many ways because of the actions of someone who ‘loves’ them and whom they love. My question is ‘why do men think it is normal behavior to kill us?

It breaks my heart and it tears my soul apart. I need men everywhere to please understand this:

#1 When a woman refuses to date you, it does not mean there is anything wrong with you. Pots and pans have different sizes and their lids are manufactured to fit. If she says you are not the right lid, find your own pot. Don’t dismantle the other pot (her), scratch it and then char it over the fire.

#2 When a woman has been with you and decides she does not want to be with you anymore, it means she has fallen out of love with you (possibly because of things you did or things you didn’t do). Whatever the case may be, let her go in peace. Don’t go looking for her because your ego is hurt. Don’t purchase acid to show her what you are made of. Don’t strangle her, don’t go near her. Leave her be. That way, everyone gets to live another day.

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Source: bullets and blessings

#3 When a woman cheats on you, and I know this is difficult as hell, WALK AWAY! You don’t have to stay. If you just cannot process it, leave her be. She is not yours to strangle. Let karma deal with her even if it takes too long. The beauty of karma is that you can watch while you enjoy popcorn as opposed to being in a crowded cell where “orange is the new black.”

#4 If a woman loves you and the feeling is not mutual, it is OK to tell her you are not interested. Don’t play with her emotions and make her climb mountains and cross rivers for you. Don’t accept any investment she attempts to make regarding you. You are emotionally unequally yoked so don’t let it go farther than a handshake. Let your words and your actions spell it out precisely, without violence or destructive words that you are not interested.

#5 when a woman says she loves you, it does not mean her middle name is stupid. the fact that she forgives you does not mean she does not know that you are treating her as less and invalidating all her dreams and aspirations. It does not mean she does not know you are sucking the life out of her so you can be extra in your own endeavors. She knows, and she stays. Partly because the song in her heart dies a little every time you assert your needs over hers and make her feel unworthy, and partly because she worries you might wither if she walks away because there would be no other life for you to suck from.

Please stop taking our love for granted; stop stifling our dreams and aspirations for your own benefit (or for any other person’s benefit for that matter); stop treating us like we don’t matter, like the essence of us is not enough; like the queen in us is not real. Stop making us feel like we are not worthy, like you are doing us a favor by staying, like we must constantly prove ourselves worthy of your passing gaze because being comfortable in our skin does not make you happy. Stop threatening us with “If I can’t have you, no one else can”. Stop! PLEASE JUST STOP.

Stop killing us with your words. With your actions. With your hands.

We deserve better from you.

Relationships

Men Are Victims Of Society Too

Feminism is becoming more popular as more women and men fight for the equal rights of both sexes. As a result, more and more opponents to the feminist cause keep rising in a bid to champion the status quo that has persisted over the years and favoured men. For many of these opponents, feminism is absolute nonsense. Men and women are not equal; hence they cannot have equal social and economic rights. Many men are against the feminist movement as it makes women ‘undateable’. Someone on twitter recently said, “women are unhappy in their marriages because they don’t want to give up complete control to their men”. A guy on a TV show said he chose to marry from a different country because the women in his country were feminists who had not learned to rely on the ability of men to control the relationship (I really hate that word ‘control’ by the way). His choice of a bride was however very interesting – a woman who threw major tantrums, cancelled his flight via his email and even cleaned out his iPhone because he failed to get her a designer purse. It made me realise two things: 1. Many men do not understand what feminism or who a feminist is, and 2. men are victims of society as much as women have been.

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Growing up in an African society, it was normal to hear the phrase “Be a man” whenever a man was facing a situation that drove him to tears. The phrase was meant to remind him of the fallacy that real men don’t shed tears. Real men take every pain in stride and move on like nothing ever happened. It was also common to hear elderly men tell younger men “you must show her you are the man” when giving relationship advice. The idea behind such advice was to urge the man to make sure the woman in his life did whatever he wanted, the way he wanted it. Even when these men were unfaithful to their partners, these elders told younger men to show themselves as men and not mind the painful groaning of their wives.Afterall, they are men!

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I got to realise now that the feminist movement has exposed the fragile parts of masculinity that men have been raised to believe they are not men except they are able to control another person’s life, subject another person to pain and make decisions whose weight they don’t necessarily have to carry alone.

Society has victimised men by giving them power that they have not earned and by letting them ride on the insecurity wave that presents itself as security. Many men would not live with a woman who makes decisions regarding her career and her heart’s desires, not because she does not value their input, but because they are not in control of the situation. Many men would not marry women who are as educated as they are because they believe women who are ‘too educated’ (by the way, there is no such thing as too much education) are hard to control. Many men who marry educated women make it a point of duty to ‘clip their wings’ just so they can show them who’s boss. And interestingly, in all of this,  these men consider themselves secure in their identity and individuality. Well, guess what? They are not. If anything at all, society has sown the ultimate seed of insecurity in men, telling them that they are not enough as they are, except someone is enslaved by them.

That is why feminism is regarded as a problem, rather than progress. That is why men don’t want women with vision but will happily put up with a woman who has no direction or plans for her life. It is the reason men will detest a woman who has her life together and will celebrate a woman who is unaware her brain is in her head. This is why submission is still a word in relationships and power is necessary to make the man feel good. It is why words like leverage are thrown around in discussions with their partners, and the term head of the home is more important than anything else. It is why many men are afraid of genuine love because it is too carefree, too happy, too free. It cannot be controlled; hence they let it fo (post for another day).

It is so difficult to be a man, but the added pressure from society to prove that masculinity adds a whole different dimension to that difficulty. Society has raised men to be narcissistic and self-destructive. They are not raised to choose the partners that uplift them; they are raised to choose the partners they can subdue. As a matter of fact, they are not raised to choose partners, they are raised to choose disciples and robotic elements who agree with everything they do, do everything they say, and say everything they want them to say at the time they want them to say it. With time, these men get bored and begin to feel like they are hibernating in life. In spite of that, they would not be caught dead with a woman who has an opinion, a vision or plans for her life. Of course, this spills over into other aspects of their lives. I have heard of men who refuse to rent houses owned by women, find it hard to take instructions from a female boss at work, and even disrespect women they barely know on the street because they have someone like her at home *sigh.

If you think society victimised only women, observe men and think again. As we liberate women, we must liberate men too! We are all victims of sick societal values that foster insecurity. XOXO

Relationships

How to Get Over that Ex You Work With

This post is really for the ladies but hey guys pick up some tips too!

Getting over an ex is difficult enough without the added twist of having to see them every day and possibly even work with them! Someone on twitter recently asked if people would take up a new job knowing that their ex works at the same place. Some responses were affirmative; others wanted some more information regarding the nature and logistics of the job, and others simply said no. I said I’d take the job and strut to that job every day, and that is not just me talking for the sake of sounding brave. I have actually been there, done that and I printed t-shirts for everyone to declare my awesomeness.

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So what are my tips for succeeding at this? Get a pen and paper.

#1 Acknowledge that you may still have feelings for your ex: The reason many people fail with this ‘getting over the ex’ business is because they want to be in denial. They want to put up a facade of toughness, whereas one wave of the hand or a slight touch will have them undone at the seams. Say it to yourself that you still have feelings for this person,  accept that, then take the next step…

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#2 Ask yourself what’s important: You see I have come to realise that feelings don’t just disappear, and it is not so easy to just ‘get over stuff’. You can’t just push a button and reset your emotions or even your life depending on how deep the relationship was. So you need to play the game of what’s important and what’s not. Just to give you a clue: your success is important, fulfilling the requirements of your job is important, crying over your ex and walking around like a train killed your cat – not important. Acting like a lovestruck teenager who can’t keep his/her emotions in check – not important. Paying bills – important, having food to eat – important. If you are both on the same project, impressing the boss and successfully executing the project – important. Getting carried away on the good old times and crying at odd times – not important. I’m sure now you get the gist.

#3 Keep your emotions in check: In the workplace, there is some degree of flirting… even in the nerdiest of places. Chances are your ex will flirt with someone or someone will flirt with your ex. Don’t start giving him/her the evil eye. Don’t start a malice game or even try to claim your territory It is no longer yours. Don’t tell the whole office how your ex broke your heart and left you in pieces Let tip #2 be your guide. What’s important versus what’s not. You are important. Succeeding in your career in important. Keep the emotions aside. Cry a river when you get home but at work, the focus should be on the job

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#4 Don’t check to see if they still love you: If a person still loves you, you won’t need to check by pulling stunts or having that ‘can we just talk things out before we go our separate ways’ moment. That is a trap from your heart. DO NOT FALL FOR IT. Such discussions end up being open-ended, and there is no such thing as ‘open-ended closure’. Nah… never heard of it.

#5 Start relating with potential ‘dateables’: NB! NB! This is not to make your ex jealous, so he/she can return on bended knees, singing BoyzIImen’s ‘end of the road’. Nope nope. It is a technique to move on. Go out on dates with other people; meet with your boys for drinks after work or your girls for a nice girlie time that does not involve moping over the fact that your ex did not say hello when you passed each other in the hallway. Have genuine fun and let laughter find you.

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Now, these tips will not help you when thoughts of your ex come to torment you in the dead of the night, and you start to question why he or she left. In times like that, remember Leona Lewis’ ‘Better in time’. Things will hurt when they have to but they get better in time. Cry your eyes out in your bedroom if you want to, wake up the next day, beat up your face with good old MAC  and some Urban Decay. If you’re a guy, get that beard trimmed and your hair cut. Show up at work, and repeat steps 1 to 5. XOXO

Relationships

Four Types of Good People You Should Not Marry

Everyone wants to marry a good person; I strongly doubt people wake up in the morning and pray to God for an abusive partner who takes them for granted and makes their life hell. Surely, no one asks for that. People want a partner who’s not shy with the loving or stingy with the cherishing. People want a partner who is God-fearing, sweet-natured, understanding, tolerant and mature. And if you find a person who embodies all these traits, you’ve hit the jackpot. However, do you know that you can meet a person who embodies all these traits, yet does not fit into your life?

This post is about the four types of good people you should not bother dating.

#1 The people who are skilled at talking but not skilled at doing: There are many people out there who are amazing and have the core of sweetness embedded in them but they are the most frustrating partners you will ever have. They thrive on talking about what they want to do, and where they want to do. These are the people who dream and speak aboout those dreams more than they actually do anything about them. Provide them with the resources they actually need to get started and you’ll see them pull away, citing a thousand and one excuses as to why they can’t do it ‘just yet’. Spouses like this make relationships unsustainable. They create a lot of hope but you will never see that hope materialize into anything substantial. Instead, you will be faced with a dull reality filled with ambition but zero action.

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Don’t even bother punishing yourself

#2 The people who keep waiting for the dream to work out the exact way they dreamed it: We all have dreams and aspirations. And of course, many of us play things out in our heads and hope that everything works out just the way we planned. But let’s face it! Nothing ever really plays out the way we want. We sometimes find ourselves taking a roundabout route to get to our desired destination. There are many good people out there who will refuse to adapt to circumstances because they are waiting for the dream to play out the way they dreamed it. Offer them a position in Australia, and they will tell you about how their dream is to live in Belgium; hence they cannot accept the position in Australia even if it propels them forward.

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Oh yea? Good luck with that

#3 The people who do not speak or do anything. They are just thankful: I personally feel these are the most frustrating set of good people you will ever meet. These are the people who believe everything is fine just as it is. They are the people who never make any moves, never go after any aspirations (because they don’t have any). They are simply thankful to exist, and are satisfied to remain in one place for the rest of their lives. Even when the opportunity to make a major positive change in their lives presents itself, they cannot be bothered. They are just thankful!

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So gratitude means not aiming higher? 

#4 The people who believe prayer alone is sufficient: It is not a bad thing to pray. I myself am focusing on improving my prayer life, but let us be realistic; praying and sitting still results in nothing. I cannot say I want to take a trip overseas, pray about it, but never buy a ticket or make the necessary arrangements. Sadly, many people, good people, think that prayer is the only way they will be successful. They pray but they never gain an understanding of the times we live in or even gain knowledge that makes them valuable to their communities or society at large. They think it is not a Christian attitude to pursue knowledge, become important or advance in anything in life.

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Certainly joking!

AVOID these good people! Sure they won’t cheat or abuse you but they will put your life at a standstill, and will certainly not push you to achieve your full potential. You might go ahead against the odds they present, but be ready to carry them around as deadweight. To be truly happy, choose a partner who will not hold you back! XOXO

Relationships

You Need the ‘Wing-Man’ Mentality

If you are reading this, you have probably heard of the term ‘wing man’. Many people use it to introduce their best buddies, their work partners, and really anyone else who holds a significant position their life. On Sunday morning while preparing for church, my thoughts drifted to Obama’s administration (weird I know). I found myself admiring the fact that he led two scandal-free terms and took an economy that was in the gutter when he was sworn into power, and raised it back to better standards. Surely he did not do any of that of his own. Of course he had Michelle to support him and push him when necessary, but he also had a wing-man – Joe Biden.

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 I imagined for a while what America would have been like if Joe Biden and Obama did not get along. In what state would the country be if they antagonized each other or saw each other as the enemy most of the time. What if they didn’t have a common goal and simply were there to push their own personal agenda. Yes, Obama had Michelle, but she could not help him run the country. He needed Joe Biden on every level to be his wing-man, his support system and his decision partner.
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 This got me thinking about relationships and marriages. Many people get married to fulfill their own personal agenda, i.e. being more respected in the community, having children, having someone to do the laundry and cook their dinners, or simply just having a different last name so that they do not feel left behind. In such marriages, there is often an imbalance of emotional, psychological, physical, intellectual and spiritual commitment. As a result, one party is viewed as ‘highly disposable’ – a feather that can easily be removed or replaced, because afterall, there are better people out there. In such relationships, there are no common goals, no common vision, no common direction, hence it is easy to take each other for granted. There is no ‘wing-man’ dynamics; in some  cases couples even compete to outshine each other (makes me wonder why they bothered getting married). Where there is competition, there is no mutual goal!
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If you are married, you need to develop the ‘wing-man’ mentality. You need to see your spouse as your ‘wing-man’ (I am speaking to both men and women here). Your partner is not the enemy (that is if you are not being abused). Your partner is not someone to compete against. Your partner is not the opposition. If you have the wing-man mentality, your partner becomes your strategy partner, your winning partner, and when times are bad, your losing partner, but a supportive partner nonetheless. The wing-man mentality means your partner is part of every decision, in the know regarding every move, and is your go-to person when you are caught between the Egyptians and the red sea. Your partner is not a feather you can easily move or a piece of clothing you can change for something more shiny at the store if you still have the receipt. View your partner as someone who is indispensableto your existence and you are golden. A marriage where both partners have the wing-man mentality is more likely to thrive and is most often above petty issues. XOXO