Here’s Why You’ll Keep Choosing the Wrong Partner

The saddest thing I have ever heard anyone say is “we don’t always marry the ones we love”. First time I heard it, I was taken aback. How do you love a person but go ahead to marry someone else? Is it some kind of calculated strategy to keep your heart from bursting from all the love and happiness you’ll enjoy? Or is this a result of deep-seated issues many people have swept beneath the carpets of their hearts? I did not understand it then, and till now, I am struggling. Why are we accepting that it is OK to marry those we do not love? Why are we accepting that it is OK to punish ourselves, our unloved choices and our loved ones who keep tugging at the strings of our hearts? I may have the answer…

It is becoming clearer to me as the days go by that many people feel they should be with the partners they deserve, and not the partners they love. Some people feel they have had it good so they need to have some form of pain in their lives so they can level with everyone else (crazy I know), and some people really just don’t feel good enough to be with the person their hearts truly yearn for. They keep asking themselves questions like “will I be good enough for her?” “Will I be able to make him happy?” Here’s my question: Can you please stop torturing yourself and just take a step in the actual right direction i.e. towards the person you genuinely love? There are many reasons holding you back but I’ll just share three here. If you would like to know more, please send me a request in the comments section of this post

Reason #1 You think the person you love deserves better: Please if this thought has been residing in your head, it is time to raise the rent and kick it out. I’ll share a secret I have gleaned from conversations with happily married couples – there is no such thing as the partner you deserve. People don’t end up happy together because they deserve each other. People end up happy together because they are willing to become the best they can be for each other. People end up together because they know they are imperfect, and they are willing to bring their strengths an weaknesses to the table, unedited and work together to make each other better. That is why they say love makes you a better person. It’s not because cupid waves a wand at you and says “Abracadabra!” It’s because love makes you decide to be who your partner deserves and even more. Love makes you take action in the right direction not just to make your partner feel good but also to grow into who you are truly meant to be. When you think the person you love deserves better than you, it is your mind indirectly telling you that a.) you are not good enough and b.) even if you tried, you still wouldn’t be good enough. Both of these are lies you should not entertain.

Reason #2 You are worried about who you are and what you have to offer: The reason you can’t make the decision to be with the one you love and be a better  person for him/her is because you are too hung up on what you are not. You’re too busy seeking out your flaws and imperfections to realize someone loves you just as you are. Your obsession with your shortcomings will make you wonder why this person loves you. You will even ask what it is they see in you that makes them feel you are so special, and truly, they will have no answer for you that will be good enough. My advice? Don’t let your shortcomings hold you back from genuine love and happiness. Everyone has shortcomings; you just seem to be looking at yours through a concave mirror while others are using a microscope to view theirs. Sometimes, these shortcomings are actually not existent, and is just your mind’s way of telling you you have not earned the love you are enjoying so you start to seek ways to sabotage it. Shortcomings can evolve into strengths when you let yourself enjoy genuine love, and sometimes, they can fade away and you’ll find yourself saying “I used to be such a douchebag but for some reason I can’t explain, I stopped”… yea love works that way. Stop worrying about what you have to offer and bring yourself to the table. You are more than enough, and the person who genuinely loves you will see that.

Reason #3 You are used to the status quo – chaos, uncertainty, instability, aimless relationships from the past: You are afraid to choose love because you are secretly yearning for chaos. Love is very stable… yes butterflies might flutter and passion might be fiery but one standard characteristic of love is that it is stable. It feels like home, and for some people, that kind of stability is unnerving. There is a yearning for the drama; a yearning for instability; a yearning for uncertainty. Why? Because that is what you are used to. Perhaps you were raised in an environment where uncertainty ruled the day…where you did not know what to expect whenever you arrived home, and you sort of built your life around that; hence the thought of a stable love that is genuine is just nerve racking and scary. Perhaps all your past relationships have been uncertain and ‘directionless’ and even though you claim you want something different, your mind instinctively keeps yearning for it. My advice: cut yourself loose form the ties of the past by telling yourself constantly that you deserve better. Deliberately choose someone completely different from the kind of people you’ve been with. Deliberately choose someone who feels like home. Deliberately choose someone who is stable and happy. You deserve stability; you deserve genuine love; don’t stress about the anxiety you’ll feel around that stability in the beginning. Just like you learned to build your life around instability, you will be able to build it around this new stability that will make you a better person too.

Do share your thoughts. XOXO