I wrote this post for the covenant relationship blog, and I just had to share it here as well with followers of motivation springs.
People say there are no rules regarding relationships, hence couples are free to decide what they want in their relationship and how they want their interactions to play out. While that is a very nice disposition to have as it helps you avoid being swept away by society’s wave of how relationships should play out, it is important to know that you can only get to that stage if you follow some well-defined ground rules.
Usually, when people start a new relationship, they tend to throw caution to the wind and allow a lot of misdeeds in order to avoid coming across as ‘too complicated’. This is very common with women who are often so excited to be in a relationship, they will do anything to make sure it works. Before you set out to do anything to make your relationship work, here are five ground rules you may want to consider.
#1 Don’t Lay Down Your Insecurities: Many people in a bid to come across as real, and quit beating around the bush often start their relationships by listing out all the things they are insecure about. “I feel like my complexion is uneven”, “Sorry my apartment is not halfway as fancy as yours”, “I wonder if you’ll leave me for someone who’s more educated later on”…. These are the different insecurities people express at the beginning of a relationship that immediately reduce their worth in the eyes of their new partner. Oh yes, it sounds like that partner is a jerk, but truly, your vague expressions of what you lack show that you value yourself based on what you have, and by expressing them, you are teaching your partner to value you the same way too. Some women have believe this will make them closer to their new partner quicker and he can immediately assume his role as prince charming. Free advice from me? It does not work.
#2 Don’t Accept Everything: Some people are really desperate to be in relationships, even more desperate than they would like to admit. These are the people who accept all kinds of disrespectful behavior just so they can tell others they are with someone. You are better off on your own than being with a person who cheats on you, compares you to other people or gets irritated by you for being yourself, and feels the need to change you. Believe me when I tell you whatever you compromise yourself to keep, you will eventually lose.
#3 Don’t Play a Role; Play yourself! A role suggests that you are taking on an identity you have read about somewhere. Many women are guilty of this. The moment they start dating a guy, they switch to wife and mother mode. This is because women have been told they have to prove they are worth the commitment of marriage. They go to his home to cook and clean. They do his laundry, rearrange his closet, and try to establish their place in his life by acting like the madam of the house. It is not your duty to crown yourself as the madam of his home when he hasn’t even mentioned his intentions to marry you. It is not your duty to push him to propose either. It is his duty to establish your place in his life, and if he can’t do that, never forget you can use the door.
Rather than aiming to play a role,
aim to have loads of fun!
#4 Don’t be in a haste to do the deed: There is a lot more satisfaction that comes from delayed gratification, and there is nothing that brings more confusion and hurt than unripe sexual gratification in a new relationship. Take your time, what’s the rush? Showing him early on that you are a hybrid of Jackie Chan and Nicki Minaj in bed does not guarantee anything. He might even end up marrying someone who’s a nun compared to you, so take your time.
#5 Don’t apologize for the way you live your life: Yes, there are certain compromises that need to be made in order to make a relationship work, but they should not be compromises that will make you feel like you are being abused, used or forced to adopt a new way of life. Many people don’t know who they are anymore because they are always adapting themselves to whoever they are dating. If you are one of those people, here’s a harsh truth you should know: Many people who often say they want a very particular type of person are usually unhappy with you when you change to become that person. So what is the point really? Be yourself! Flaws can be gently tweaked, and excesses can be curbed but your individuality should never be at stake during the process. Love who you are, accept it and DO NOT EVER APOLOGIZE FOR IT. XOXO