Why You Need To Stop Searching For Your Soul mate

At some point in your life, you will feel the urge to settle down; all your friends will start getting married, uploading pictures of cute new-born babies on Facebook and Instagram and cute pictures of random romantic acts by their husbands. On your profile, your pictures are a far cry from that of someone with a happy union; they are mostly pictures of you alone making funny faces at the camera, taking selfies from different angles or well pictures of your dog, cats and perhaps a parrot.

The need to search for your soul mate will become overwhelming and before you know it, you are out there on the hunting ground looking for Mr. Right. He doesn’t have to be Mr. Perfect, that, you know and you even have a list of things you don’t like but won’t mind tolerating. You know what his height must be, his complexion, his career even, his etiquette skills etc…

There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want but when you start searching for your soul mate with all your energy, you have a little problem on your hands. This problem is so little, yet it becomes significant as time goes on. It’s the fact that you start to perceive every man you meet as a potential life partner. Before you get to really know him, you already checked 5 qualities out of ten on your list- he has a nice height, a great job, speaks properly, is sophisticated just like you and is the perfect age. This again is not a bad thing; what follows however is the crux of the problem- you start to pull him towards you.

You might read that and think “huh?! How is that a bad thing?” I’ll let you in on it. The problem with searching for your soul mate is that you tend to believe any man who has 50% of what you are looking for must be the one so you start acting like he’s the one before he even indicates he’d like to be the one. Makes sense? i hope so. You start to talk about marriage on the second date, you talk about ring sizes, weddings and if you are really caught in dream land, you start to talk about the number of children you’d like to have. Now this would have been great if you’ve known him for a few months or perhaps a year, but someone you’ve only known for a week? You have to admit that is weird!

Another problem with searching for your soul mate is that you won’t enjoy dating anymore; every date becomes like a task – a task to see if you can unmask prince charming in this new big fish you’ve caught. Dating becomes laborious and subsequently becomes full of disappointments. It becomes exasperating when you can’t find the one and you sink into the “I’m unlovable” depression pit.

I stopped searching for my soul mate because I got tired of finding douche bags and egocentric selfish beasts beneath each charming exterior. I decided to start spending time with myself, my family, my female friends and even my male friends. When I go on a date, I have zero expectations and i discovered I have enjoyed many more dates since then, even with guys I once screened as potential life partners.

I’m not asking you to embrace the world of loneliness and depression; I am asking you to let go of the search. It is not your job. Live your life to the fullest and enjoy it. Be comfortable being in a room alone with yourself and not minding it. Yes, everyone is married, everyone has a baby and you don’t even have a boyfriend, not to mention one that would get down on one knee but believe me, that’s ok. He’s on his way and you won’t have to go out of your way to unmask him. You won’t come across as obsessive and desperate once you let go of the search and you’ll actually give good men an insight to who you really are. Stop searching and give yourself a proper shot.

8 thoughts on “Why You Need To Stop Searching For Your Soul mate

  1. Thank you Demi, I love your thoughts! Keep on sharing them. It makes me think too and I point my single friends to your site. I don`t know about others but I do find what you have to say insightful. Never stop writing! XOXO


  2. Oops sorry about that 1st post, had to check to see if it would go through:-) Now here’s the ‘real’ reply *wink* Here’s the thing: (I’m going to blow my romance writer’s cred) The concept of soul mates or getting married because you’re soul mates is a recent thing in human history. In many cultures arranged marriages was the norm. The same as ‘teenagers’ are a recent concept. There was no term or thoughts on those awkward years between child & adulthood. You were just termed a child…now I believe for most single woman to truly be happy is to take the word ‘soulmate’ out of their vocabulary. Treat it as if it doesn’t exist. Yes in spite of romantic comedies & romance novels…treat it like it’s depicted in those genres, as fiction…now while you’re bust doing that scratch Mr./Mrs Right also off. Because if you really thought about it, what’s ‘right’ actually coincides with what’s ‘right’ at a certain time & place in history for you. You’ve grown, learned some things about yourself and that shapes what you view as ‘right’. Look at your friendships. Only a lucky few can say by their mid twenties that they’ve held onto childhood friendships & they would go on to describe some of their current friendships as ‘the best they’ve ever had!’ Because the persons ‘know them so well’, ‘ have loads in common’ & they ‘complete all your sentences’. Ok that last one sounds more like a romantic relationship…doesn’t it? …now here’s the kicker. Arranged marriages worked on the premise of courtships…establish friendship before the inevitable marriage *insert: marriage bed* …there should be a level of respect & trust. A willingness to make the marriage work…no where is love mentioned. Oh there can be attraction, lust even, but not love. ( Now before anyone crucify’s arranged marriages and courtships- yes I know many did misuse this. As humans we live to distort and abuse things. It’s in our nature.). I’m not proposing that your parents or whoever set you up ( though our friends do try don’t they *wink*) but for the single woman to take a step back for the ‘search’. To establish solid relationships with men that you know are also in it for the long haul. Believe me they are out there. The difference, men won’t shout it from the rooftops (ok most men won’t!) Take off the ‘lust goggles’, the ‘Mr. Right’ goggles, the ‘Mr. Perfect’ goggles & enjoy like Demi said, your life. Nowhere in history have women had so much freedom, so many options for careers, so much space to dream & be creative. We form part of a generation that’s bearing the fruit of so many ‘bra burning’, yet we still agonize over things like single-hood? To believe in soul mates is truly a romantic notion…but that’s what it is…a romantic notion. The only place it truly exists, is between the pages of a book. Love however, is real. It does exist and is wonderful when you’ve experienced it unconditionally. I hope everyone discovers for themselves, how easy unconditional love is to find:-)


    1. Inge, I took a deep breath after reading your comment and my love for you instantly multiplied by leaps and bounds! I understand that many ladies are scared they might die alone and their neighbours will only discover their bodies after a week or two. I also understand that many women are under pressure from family and society but making the search for a partner a mission ruins everything! It takes the joy out of life for many and increases the chances of mind boggling disappointments and pity parties that feature DJ ‘I thought he was the one’, food provided by the heartbroken catering company. Like you said, women should love their singlehood and not complain about it, take off the googles of illusion that are encouraged by romantic books and movies. Instead, we should be open to the real deal- unconditional love. It may not be earth-shattering or river-splitting when it happens but it comes with the peace our googles of illusion do not lead us to. Thanks for this comment girl! Xoxo


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